Chance = Change

..."hot sausage and mustard..."..Yikes! It is fabulous outside today...Nancy T. spent the night here last night after a late business dinner at her Foundation, because we now have the futon that used to be in Paul and Steve's guest room, and our guest room was ready and comfortable for her. She was off to work early early.

Yesterday's full throttle attack on the GODDESS WHEEL music was good, and all I can say is thank goodness for the delightful Eric Svejcar, who came in, assessed the situation, plugged into the CD, read the score, and with a little conference with me, was able to do a lot of music teaching from 3:00-6:00...we start again this morning at 10:00...go all day...Eric has just come from MD'ing TWO GENTLEMEN...(also by Galt McD.) at Center Stage in Baltimore, and so is well familiar with the style and foibles of this writing...he seems a truly gifted musical director type guy..I liked him enormously...very bright.Quick. A good ally to have on this journey. Knowledgeable.

My main job on this, as "assistant" to Frank V. as it turns out , is to really Stage Manage the hell out of the initial part of the process, get the schedule in shape (not easy, with nods to Barter SM's Karen R. and John H.)...make sure all the disparate parties learn their music,know where to go when, what studio what rehearsal is in, and keep finessing the schedule I have initially made in order to include ever smaller duos of scene work,and song work...i managed to produce a night when almost everyone can be together for a read through of the brand new script, which even the experienced GODDESS WHEEL singers from the past have not seen, and once I clear the rooms at CAP 21 (space we have 12 studios of when they are not being used for class and rentals), I can schedule more...we have a good start for this week and next. Two successive Friday mornings (April 1 and 8) when singers can sit in on Galt McD's band rehearsals and sing along...For the CAP 21 alums, this is good experience. The mic situation, how to balance Room 1 for all that sound will be dealt with today. Randy H. (Alix K's hubby) will help us, I am told.

One of the things that seems to make me happy is solving problems. (I have been a NY Times Crossword Puzzle fan for years, even do them in ink)...and figuring out the pesky mess of putting together a reading of a new musical for our company is filled with the sort of problems I enjoy solving. So, i have to admit it energizes me. It also is giving me insights into how CAP 21 is working these days and what it needs in the way of future re-structuring of staff,especially in the area of producing new works. I can bring this first-hand knowledge to the meetings our Board Committee is having later.

Peter had a wonderful time singing for Jay Binder yesterday, and the reason i know this is because he did not spend hours agonizing over it afterward...(which he usually does if he is not satisfied). My darling husband is a perfectionist's perfectionist, which I do admire, but he sometimes uses it to drive himself crazy, which is such a waste of energy because he is so good and so talented and so wonderful...he needs to be kept busy enough that he does not have time to be self-critical....and I was admiring of the way he dove right into his work for his tv-film class last night....i have married a very talented man. He put his film clip and the music he wrote for it together and can be seen on his website (www.peteryonka.com) now or at least soon. it is so good!! He was so sweet: he bought me little presents yesterday with two dear cards...we ate dinner together at Metro Diner after our long days yesterday.

Gary E. called late yesterday to tell me he has an audition for me next week...I wonder what for...I will call him from CAP 21 later this morning...I wonder if it is time for me to be an actress again soon or not....hmmmm....

Hey Dev....thanks for the comment and note...loved hearing from you...we had such a good time with Melvin!

HAPPY SPRING, Y'ALL!!!!

...and today we begin work on another Galt McDermott classic-to-be : GODDESS WHEEL...Eric Svejcar will meet with the first group of female chorus girls this afternoon and we shall be off and running on this little project...I hope Eric is as good as I have heard he is because we have very little time to put this thing together and very odd blocks of time for the entire company to be together to rehearse...of course it helps that the 3 female leads (Suzanne Griffiths as Lysistrata) know the music cold and have sung it wih Galt and his band a lot over the past two years...but there is stil a large amount of complicated stuff to learn by all those who know it not...oh well...as they say "it's only a reading"...but still, I am still infected with the Barter virus of : if you are going to do it, do it the best you can"...and i want others to feel the same way, no matter if it is "only a reading".

I received yet another radio booking yesterday, for Amica (though i forgot exactly what that is) from an audition i did last week...this is all good. My voice agents are amazed that I have begun to book so soon after returning home, and frankly, so am I! Peter finished the one-minute music piece he did for this film scoring contest he has entered and I love what he has done to the one-minute clip he was given to score! He submits it today or tomorrow...as gifted and actor and singer as he is, i think I love his writing of music the best of all...he meets Casting Director Jay Binder today and sings for him...I spend all day at CAP 21 and shepherd the music rehearsal process...we are living our NYC life! One of the good things about life here as theatre people is that each day brings something new, and with it the potential for the wonderful, the unexpected ...the wished-for...anything you dream can be just around the corner...the potential is here. And whereas it may feel plodding at times, one is aware that the plod is potentially life-changing...each day a surprise package. I remember days when it could not have felt worse, then a phone call from an agent and poof! A Tony Nomination...or that job you thought you screwed up the audition for..or , well, you name it...and that is part of the NYC life. It takes courage, some days. And other days, it simply feels inevitable and oh so right.

I wonder how everyone is at Barter today? I think of them all, daily.

I must go chant now.

Let the sunshine in.....

Yesterday, a day of total and constant cold wet wet wet rain...we were all living in an early Spring Bio-Sphere of rainfall and more rainfall...and of course I had to be out in it ALLLLLLL day!! Of course...I finally just gave it up and decided to enjoy it, umbrella or no umbrella, wet shoes or no wet shows...I gave in and swam through the day! And it was windy too! So just when I thought there might have been a place on my body that had not received communion, whap!!! The wind blew and made sure to get into all those pesky corners...I was a mess...but dammitt! I had fun! My early morning voice-over audition was congenial, down at my Agency Office (Access Talent on East 28th Street), warm and friendly...saw so many more people I have not seen in years....the voice-over community in NYC is small and has been at this work for a long time, so we have seen each others's live develop...a real community...so that was fun...and then I amde it home in time for a bit of drying off before I had to go out again to that TERRORISM audition , nearby on 89th Street. I walked. Yeah, I know ...I'm nuts! But...well..I walked.

I felt rather ike a piece of lettuce under a garbage can by the time I got to Judy Henderson's Office...and it was good to see Judy again after all this time...she has blonde hair now.And the same warm smile. Also it was nice to see Will Frears again.
He was also warm and friendly. And I read through the two scenes from this odd play, and that was it. Left to swim home. I probably should have prepared more, but frankly, I had little enthusiasm for the play, and no real understanding of it either, though if I had given it a bit more study, maybe I would have caught fire with it...oh well...you win some,et al...I know: my soul was just yearning to get out in that rain again!! For all I know, he could have adored my read...he was certainly nice enough...I have yet to becme genuinely enthusiatic about getting back onstage again...and as I have written, I have learned to trust these times.

Today, soon in fact, I meet Karen Bair, and see my goddaughter Evalyn...and her new sister...we meet at the Cupcake...how whimsical that sounds...we meet at the Cupcake....and then I go to CAP 21 for some GODDESS WHEEL business..i have lined up a rehearsal schedule of sorts for this week...our new Musical Director is Eric Svejcar (pronounced Svaycar) and he is supposed to be truly gifted...I look forward to meeting him...We begin work on the music tomorrow afternoon.

Let the sun shine!

Melvin's last day here, he catches a plane at 7:00 from LaGuardia...Peter will make sure he gets there easily...So, I decided he needed to see an important NYC sight: The Cathedral of St.John the Divine, uptown from where we live at about 113th and Amsterdam.He and I took a walk up there just in time for the magnificent Easter service and spent a deal of time walking around as much of the glorious place as we could get to, it being packed for the service and all....i could tell he was tremendously moved by the entire enormity of the place, and not a detail of it was lost on him....since I had not been up there for several years, I was also tremendously emotional in my response to seeing it again...the organ, choir and Paul Winter Consort were all in great voice, and every size, shape and color of human being was there to workship...a wonderful St.John experience...we walked the Children's Sculpture Garden for a while, then we went for goodies:the Hungarian Pastry Shop across the street, where we watched diligent Columbia University intellectuals talk and study and eat baked goods...it's just as I remembered it. Then I took him on my favorite Columbia University walk, past the gorgeous bronze sculpture of The Great God Pan, around the various classroom buildings, ending up in the St. Paul Chapel, totally deserted except for us, and so we sat and talked for a long while about life, art and the future. Very refreshing. We then walked home down Broadway. I bought Easter goodies for Peter on the way home.

Now I must settle down and read the script I am auditioning for tomorrow: TERRORISM, by two Russian brothers. For the New Group...directed by Will Frears...the same guy i auditioned for when I first got home for that odd Irish thing about a guy who had no arms and legs....this director has a taste for...well...unusual things. And I get to meet with him again tomorrow...so I had better read the script. Yep.

Peter and I saw our first show at the Pearl Theater Company last night,at their place down on St. Mark's Place and 1st Avenue...a JB Priestley play : I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE, first produced in the 1930's...it was very good to see this company of actors, many of whom have been working together for years. Felt very like the Barter, in the sense of ensemble and character work. Did not have that New York "vibe" that says "look at me, I am more important than the play is"...which is so often the case when I go to see things at Lincoln Center or Manhattan Theatre Club...the relative anonymity of the Pearl Company allowed us to see the play and I am glad ,and to be in a neighborhood I had not been in in several years. We ate at a good Thai place after the show, with Kate Guyton, a friend who asked us to see the play with her.

Peter worked some more with a song coach this morning. A man named Brian Cimmit, who we met at a recent audition. Lovely man. Well, Ev, enough stalling...gt to it...read TERRORISM...it's so odd...could it be I am simply not ready to get back to work yet as an actor? That I am enjoying the freedom of simply doing voice-overs and being able to re-discover the city as I wish to on my own time? I have to admit, the thought of getting back into any real show performance grind does not make my heart leap with joy yet..8 performances a week, come hell or high water...nope, not quite there yet...but I will be again...I have learned the value of letting my various fields lie fallow....

Tonite we dine with Paul and Steve at their place.
Karen Samuelson (a wonderful former student who named her first child Evalyn!!) is in town and I must find time to see them all....but when?)

By this time tomorrow, Melvin will be back in Abingdon...part of me wishes me too...but then I realize how varied and exciting our time back here has been and I am once again glad to be home.

Word from Michael Poisson: more romantic intrigue at Barter and various other newsy tidbits...I miss it all!So good to hear from my darling "Herbie"...I so loved working with him in GYPSY!!

HAPPY HOLIDAY ALL!!

...a sparkling Saturday...at 1:00, I go to a Discussion Meeting with my Buddhist group on 85th Street...Drew E. and I will present the discussion questions later in the meeting...then I go to a Yoga class I promised Gary E.I would join him in...at the Integral Yoga Center on 72nd Street...and tonight Peter and I are going to see something at the Pearl Theatre Company downtown...I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE by JB Priestley...I've never seen the Pearl's work, though Ihave read much about it, and so it should be interesting.

Speaking of interesting: this morning , I checked out Peter's website : www.peteryonka.com and it is really good. Such a handsome man I am married to...go check out his site, guys...

He is doing intense work with his friend Lori Kay Harvey on putting together his music book...Lori Kay is a good pianist and a fine singer and performer herself, and they are trading off hours of playing piano for each other...i love watching them work, and of course I put in my 2 cents every now and then....we all help each other...that is the way it should be in this business of ours...meanwhile, I watch Peter work and I am so thrilled with his talent..despite all the roadblocks he puts in his own way, simply due to desire to be perfect, etc., his gifts are so deeply obvious...the joy of knowing Peter will be to watch him get out of his own way as he realizes how deeply safe he really is, no matter what...all gifted artists i have known are plagued by self-doubt and fear of not being good enough...it's the muscles we build as we overcome that fear that determine how high we fly and how much fun we end up having...because above all, I want Peter to have the most fun he can possibly have...if he does, if he simply enjoys himself (instead of the usual torturing of himself he is so used to doing) then his work and his career will soar beyond his wildest expectations....that is of course a large order...but he is working well and working consistently. He is so wonderful.

Patience. We all need patience. It's an eternal search. A life's quest.

It is a wonderful thing to be home in this 890 West End Avenue place of ours. I am surprised by how comforting it feels to simply be here, spending evening after evening in the warmth and coziness of what is ours...still too messy from unpacking, but it will get better...as it already has...and...well, the overiding quality is that it is OURS...OUR HOME. So, I have not yet begun to go out a lot at night because I am really enjoying being HOME! Snuggling under our quilts...watching our TV...cooking in our kitchen...reading our books...well, you all get the idea.HOME.OUR HOME. I imagine, when it does get show-busy again, I will once again , as is typical, call a certain theater home, and I will get used to that...but one of the great luxuries when I'm not in a show, is being able to actually go to bed and to sleep before 11:00 pm! The hardest thing I have had to learn in my life (or at least one of the hardest things) is to enjoy the "down" times between jobs...but this home of ours makes it much easier to do that.

Melvin, our delightful Abingdon visitor, leaves tomorrow evening. He has had the most wonderful week. And has taken to NYC like a fish to water. So glad we have that guest room to share with others. Again: our HOME!

....our first meeting as a MARRIED COUPLE with Trudy Durant , the tax prep lady who has done my taxes for years and years...she is tax preparer to Broadway folk, and I first went to her when i started doing Les Mis, just like everyone else in the company..her 450 Seventh Avenue office walls are tastefully filled with signed posters from every show imaginable...and to sit in her waiting room is to see everyone you have known for the past two decades....Broadway would have to go dark if a bomb happened to destroy her office on any given workday...our meeting went well...and she will let us know how she will approach our first joint return soon..she said the first year is always the sticky one, and after that filing will be less complex...whew! glad that is done for now...hope the news is not too bad...

Yesterday, I had a great radio voice BOOKING , and it was so much fun....it came as a result of that audition I had so much fun at the other day...for Amex... a special promotion for the Tribaca Film Festival...down at 38 Greene Street Studios...the agency is Ogilvie-Mather, and the creative team was delightful...the other actor in the spot was a young guy named Charlie McWade, and we got the job done easily and quickly (my favorite sessions are quick ones...i don't enjoy those small recording booths for too long...After that I trained Uptown with time to spare, and dropped in at Macy's for a cup of coffee and a look at their Annual Macy's Flower Show...i found a little table at the Balcony Barny's Coffee Spot overlooking the handbags and enjoyed myself watching the crowds go by until I had to meet Peter across the street at Trudy's.

Peter had his first session with Ron Desina last night and came home enthusiastic about what he can learn there...the exposure to the whole t.v audition process will be so good for him, and the specific demands of this one particular casting director can only be instructive...another casting director , Jay Binder, has asked to see Peter for a meeting...our agent has been talking about Peter as an important talent, and this will manifest in more such meetings no doubt..and our work as actors returned home to NYC continues....Melvin our visitor from Abingdon has been having a great week, and he leaves Sunday night...Chris and Anne Johnson come to see us on April 7th for a day or two...and i see green buds peeking up through the ground as i walk around the City! Spring will come!

At noon, I meet Eric Haagensen for lunch. Eric is the book and lyric writer for A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE (the recording of which came out last year with me in the role of "Gertrude Klapper") and we first worked together years ago at Goodspeed Opera/Chester, when we put that show on its feet for the first time. We have been friends ever since. He is one of the Editors at BACKSTAGE, and has been so helpful over the past few years in keeping me in the NYC loop, by keeping Barter in the news,etc. Because of Eric, I got to know Wendy Mathis Parker, the Virginia BACKSTAGE stringer, and she began coming to and reviewing Barter shows for the first time. All thanks to Eric. So he and I have much to catch up on. And, lunch it is! The BACKSTAGE offices are downtown near the Public Theater. I have yet to re-explore that neighborhood since our return, so that will be fun.

Then, I will go up to 18th Street and continue casting GODDESS WHEEL...Mattie Selman, the book writer cancelled his meeting with us today (too bad..the book needs work), but Frank V. and I can do a lot anyway to shape the logistics that are necessary for the upcoming rehearsal period, as short as it is...Galt McDermott has already given us certain dates when his band will be rehearsing, and our actors need to be prepared to sing at these sessions. So music must be taught soon. The reading is April 11th.

NYC weather is getting wintry again, with rain, snow and ice and winds in the immediate future. So, I hope to be able to snuggle down this evening and finish my tax prep...we meet with our accountant tomorrow afternoon. And if I book the radio spot that I am on hold for, it will record tomorrow morning, and so tonight may be my last chance to prep for the tax meeting. 2004 is the first year that Peter and I will file as a married couple!

The day looks very gray outside my windows...New York, undercover. Very gray indeed. Yesterday's perfect Springtime sunny-ness had us all hoping! Alas! Well, there's always tomorrow!

Before launching into a story of yesterday in midtown Manhattan, my brother Richard will be glad to know that I have received a Jury Summons i can no longer ignore. Having been several years away, I've had to turn down summons after summons, the last one served me just before we went to the UK. Each one I replied to with a polite reason for not being able to serve, but the one I received yesterday for April 18th I can actually say "yes" to....and so I will. For the New York Supreme Court.60 Centre Street. Room 452. Shades of LAW AND ORDER. The Asian restaurants in that neighborhood are great, since it is so close to China Town...and i'll catch up on my reading...if important auditions occur during that time, the people in charge always let me out for them...that is unless I actually get on a Jury, which somehow I have never managed to do. Maybe this time....

Our Abingdon visitor Melvin Dillon is here and he arrived right on time Sunday at LaGuardia. Peter met his plane and made sure he got here to our place safely. That first night we had dinner with Paul D. and Steve C. at Pearl's our favorite Chinese restaurant, and Melvin had his first try at using chopsticks! Right from the start of his visit, he is running towards every possible new experience, and my admiration for him grows daily. He's a strong, smart and talented 20-year-old, who before Sunday had never been on an airplane before in his life! But NYC, rather than daunting him, is opening him up like some hearty new tropical plant! Yesterday was his first full day in the City , and we began with a good breakfast around our table, with Peter helping him with bus routes for his proposed day's journey. Then,since I had an 11:00 radio voiceover audition (Amex) at Ogilvey and Mather down on West 49th Street, Melvin came with me on a leisurely morning #104 City Bus ride down Broadway! I gave him a guided tour as we toddled down, and as I left him to continue his journey across 42nd Street and then down to SouthStreet Seaport, he was busily talking to a nice lady who adopted him as her mission for the rest of the journey...i sensed he was in good hands! And then i did not lay eyes on him again until after he came home from his first Broadway show: GLASS MENAGERIE with Jessica Lange! He even managed to get Christian Slater's autograph!!He is still sleeping this morning...I can imagine his exhaustion.

My 11:00 radio audition was actually one of the fun ones, because the short script called for me to create a character of a woman, which most of them do not call for. I worked with John Lavelle, a young man freshly graduated from NYU and we had a good time. I continue to see so many friends who I have not seen for years, and I again realize how little has changed...Afterwards, i treated myself to a nice cup of Starbucks, as I re-read the script for GODDESS WHEEL, since I had meetings about it later in the day...THEN: I decided to be a tourist again, and walk midtown with fresh eyes: view it all with the wonder of a newcomer, and so I did:

I walked straight across 49th from 8th Avenue, through an extremely busy Broadway area ( it's Spring Break USA! and young people from all over the place are here in large groups roaming the streets looking up!). Even by noon, the Times Square HalfPrice Tix Booth had a huge crowd around it...(I was glad that Melvin had decided to get his ticket for a show downtown at SouthStreet...much less crowded, hence much easier to get a good ticket)...I kept strolling...the day was grey cool and wettish...but i felt cozy in my stroll....then i was at 5th Avenue and Saks'Fifth and St.Patrick's Cathedral, neither of which I'd seen in such a long time! So I went into St. Pat's, also filled with tourists, and gained access to the middle aisle under the pretext of staying for the Mass at 1:00...i settled into a comfortable pew, got out my journal pages and wrote and wrote, and when the Mass did begin, I stayed and actually participated in my own Jewish-Buddhist way! It was very calming. Since this is Easter Week, all sorts of folks were there, long lines at the various confessionals around the Cathedral...people getting renewed for a fresh Spring start to their lives! I really enjoyed the time there, comparing it to the religious places we visited in the UK, enjoying St.Pat's clean, aristocratic and soaring beauty.

THEN I went to Saks! Another sort of "church" of mine! I have worshipped at its altar of consumerism consistently and often in my past, and it felt heady to re-enter the glorious retail space...the smell of wealth is such a sweet perfume (usually on sale at some counter or other) and i feel at home surrounded by it. Before I even managed to reach the escalators at the back of the store, the Orlane women had grabbed me and began demonstrating on my face their latest products...I could not say no and though I bought little, I got a lot out of my time with them. They made me feel so good...I am such a spoiled thing! And it got worse!!! Once I got to my favorite departments and began browsing the clothing, I was almost drunk with happiness at all the beautiful things i was seeing and feeling....old addictions are hard to break...I saw at least 8 things i wanted to buy, but did not.Clothing at Saks is very very expensive...I determined to book a lucrative soap opera job so I could buy all these things,forgetting for the moment, that i have no more room in any of our closets for new things no matter how glorious! It was so good to be reminded though about New York's fashion brilliance, so close to the touch.And I do love beautiful clothing. Always have, always will.

So, after my Saks fix, I went to my 3:00 at my agents office and it was such a good meeting. What a dear man Gary E.is and what a good friend. We talked and talked. I left the office with a better perspective on the "scene" here, and my place in it. Every now and again, these "agent-client" chats are necessary.

Then down to CAP 21 for meetings about GODDESS WHEEL...casting ,etc. And Peter and I stayed for the 6:30 CAP 21 Showcase of graduated students....an hour's worth of talent...then home for a late supper. We talked late into the night. A good day.

"3-04-02 Abingdon, Virginia Cold, Grey...

So, my (now fiance) darling Peter and I are here at the Barter for the entire year 2002 season... knee-deep in rehearsals for the Spring Rep: MACBETH, ON GOLDEN POND, SOMETHING'S AFOOT...sine I have lead roles in POND and AFOOT I am hardly ever not rehearsing - and since Peter is in AFOOT and not only acting in MACBETH but is dramaturg and music writer as well, he is rarely at rest also...

A busy and happy (and tired) creative household.

Today, a day off , is filled with getting done an event we helped to create: the Tom Celli Memorial on the Mainstage. Joya, his widow has become a dear friend here and she lives right across this lovely field from us.

Peter and I came down here December 18th, 2001 and set up house at 138 Valley View Drive NE #6...our local phone is 276-628-2057..rehearsals did not start until February 12th so we had time to nest. On January 10th began my teaching duties at Emory and Henry, as part of the Barter Conservatory we are in the process of setting up there. 8:00am on Tuesday and Thursday mornings...wearying but mostly fun.

Driving there pre-dawn , i see cows eating their breakfast on glorious hillsides..bucolic and good..i have come to think of them as my cows! Calm.
Since rehearsals have started my days are very long, especially since they are building my costumes from scratch and they are complicated and elegant.Lots of fittings."

And that is how a typical Barter day was and is...from morning til night...a rare and challenging chance for theater artists to dive in headlong to the work they love...Rick gathers his artists and uses them fully. The theater organization hums with the sheer energy of it all. And the Large Hall, where Mainstage shows are rehearsed, is a room filled with decades of such work...if the walls could talk...i used to love to just go sit in that room, stretch on the enormous floors and let the room's vibrations speak to me...sounds nutty, but i felt in such good company in that room, even when no one else was there.

Oh yes, the Barter has ghosts and lots of them.

I used to envision an entire ghostly company performing the plays as we actually did them onstage each night. Our work gave them life. And their energies kept us all going. If theater is passion, and passion is energy, then I have no trouble believing that ghosts (pure energy , some say) are fully fed by the "power station" that is the Barter Theatre.

There's a play, a ghost play, in that notion. The undying need to engage in the stories of others...to use the stories to guide, teach, strengthen, inspire the living to carry on and live full lives...to assure. To remind.

Ghost light (that single one left onstage after all have gone home...) that time when the ghosts come out, discuss the evening's performance, act the parts. Perhaps they guide the destiny of the theater...or try to, anyway.Hmmm. Funny,but I never felt alone, ever, in that Large Hall.

Emory and Henry student Melvin Dillon will be here in a couple of days (we are hoping to meet his plane at La Guardia and shepherd him gently to his cozy blue room here at 890 West End) and I wonder what he will experience in his first visit to this large and lively City...we will arm him with a good City map and a $20.00 Metro Card and let him loose...supply him with a theater ticket or two, and let him fend for himself as much as possible..I shall make sure the fridge is stocked with good food and prepare him a good breakfast every morning...I envy him for what he has in store.

Meanwhile,Peter has a callback for MISS SAIGON at Maine State today...this is all good news, as his few auditions so far have yielded callbacks and job offers..more will come, but in the meantime, this is all good for him to slog through as he re-builds his audition book and necessary techniques....all good!

Meeting with playwright Tony DiMuro yesterday, where Frank and Eliza V. and I talked to him about how we hope he continues to develop BERGIN PINES...a lively discussion of next steps...much fertile stuff..Tony is a smart and willing writer, whose image of the world lies hidden somewhere in the several good plays he has written..I pointed out that this one, this one-person play, is a swell chance for him to sharpen that vision, as he can literally structure it in any way his artistry dictates..he loved that i put the MO (Mental Observer) onstage with "Linda"..opened all sorts of new ways to go with the piece....today we meet with Mattie Selman, book writer of GODDESS WHEEL...he sent us a new, better shaped version of the script yesterday...i am glad to see the changes he has already made...lots of which I was going to suggest at today's meeting.

I have been asked to teach two classes at CAP 21 this summer: one Musical Scene Study class in the Professional Program and another Vocal Performance class in the NYU pre-College Program....all of a sudden the thought of being with groups of youngsters and letting them remind me of the passion of it all ...well, it appeals to me...and maybe I can be of some use to them. A gentle way to be in the City in the Summer is to teach in that Summer Program..I have always enjoyed it...so maybe I will say yes....It will give me tha chance to be near to the Company, to help shape its Fall and Winter ideas for Studio One, as we turn it more towards being a small theater facility...there are a couple of playwrights I would like to introduce into that space..and as the Company re-structures, being there to teach will give me a perspective I may need.

I wonder how Barter does this year? In terms of ticket sales...I have been a bit out of touch with Abingdon, as we get more settled here..and also, they don't need me breathing over their collective shoulders from up here in NYC...i am , however, daily,thinking of it and hoping that throngs are attending the BEST THEATRE IN THE COUNTRY!!!!! I miss it. But my shoulder is well to the wheel of what needs to be done here, so I steel my resolve everyday not to miss it too much!

Life is filled with adventure! Each day...as my dear Momma used to say in Yiddish: Boruch a' ta shem yem yem...or something lihe that: Blessed be each day by day!

...and I say to all the dear people who have been communicating with me as a result of reading this daily blog: thank you! And please, do not be shy: post your comments at the bottom of each entry so others can share your insights as well...it's easy to do so..simply click where it says "comments" and follow instructions!

Yesterday was another full day of work and discovery in this City...Peter officially turned down the offer to do "Aramis" in THE MUSKETEERS at WINGS THEATER COMPANY, and received a cordial understanding e-mail in reply...no bridges burned there. He signed up for the series of on-camera classes he will be taking starting later this month...that should open a world of new knowledge and people to him..also, a casting director who was sitting in the room when he gave his swell audition for Maine State the other day called him and asked him to come to yet another audition for another project next week...this is often how it happens in the biz: you never know where you are planting a seed that will come to fruition in an unexpected way...it's happened so many times in my career...he has so many terrific adventures in front of him...and daily, we are learning so much about each other, and weathering the storms that arise in ways that delightfully surprise me.

Today I start more serious work on GODDESS WHEEL...tomorrow i have a conference with Tony DiMuro, Eliza and Frank V. about BEGIN PINES and how to further improve the writing of it for future work...I have to dive into it today...as well as into the script for GODDESS WHEEL for which I have a long meeting on Friday, to discuss its book as well....much to do there. Should be fun. Conversations have begun about my teaching during the summer session at CAP 21...not a long committment...basically the middle part of the summer..but strenuous and time-intensive...I have always found it very rewarding though, and right now I feel like doing it...further talks today...Jen Camp has written a new play...I want to have lunch with her and see what that is...if I am going to direct more, I have to get in on the ground floor of more new projects like this one...she is a very promising writer...funny and wise. I have already sent her NATURAL HISTORY to Barter...perhaps not the right tone for them, but I want Derek's comments...she is really more of an urban writer, but her observations on human silliness are genuine...

Melvin Dillon will be here Sunday...we are excited to show him this City..Peter even picked up info for Mel at Actors Equity yesterday, just to give him that perspective...we shall give him a good good time...he must be soooo excited....his very first exposure to New York City! I almost remember my first time here, and the amazement ( I was quite young) that television ran all night here...and so did everything else! Momma and Daddy brought me and Richard on a trip to NYC and Washington DC and we stayed at The Edison Hotel midtown...we drove the elevator men crazy, my brother and i, we were so excited to be staying in a hotel! That dear Hotel is still there and home of the best matzoh ball soup in the world! A real haunt for hungry actors who have just done matinees of popular Boradway shows, and have to go back for an evening performance....the Edison is a refuge and a comfort, and I have eaten there hundreds of times since that very first visit...his plane arrives around 2 in the afternoon on Sunday. The adventure begins!

There is so much to do in the world...and I spent time with my friend Drew E. planning an SGI meeting for later this month, reminding myself of the power we each have within us to make each day a blessing of fulfilment and creativity! Peter joined us later for a pizza feast and watching Drew's new gorgeous HDTV ..we watched an odd film: STAGE BEAUTY with Billy Cruddup...odd , that..and actually pretty awful...but very colorful and brave in its outright willingness to make lovely fools of themselves....and to me this is admirable! God knows, I do it every day...and don't we all? my, yes.

On our return to NYC, I've been in touch with many of our old pals to let them know we are back and ready to work, and out of that series of contacts, dear Chuck Abbott, for whom I did HOTEL SUITE at the Walnut Street Theatre in Philly several years ago emailed me and let me know he was interested in hearing Peter sing...I had also mentioned in passing that I would be interested in reading for "Vera Charles" in his MAME later in the sumer at Maine State Music Theater...he told me he would love that, even though he had already two other actresses he was seriously considering well before I threw my hat in the ring...after a few e-mails, he asked that Peter and I come in to see them all at Chelsea Studios....our auditions were yesterday in the late afternoon...and we arrived early, because that is always a good idea. Chelsea Studios, down on West 26th Street, is a favorite audition spot, always a hive of activity, and yesterday was no exception! By simply sitting there waiting for our appointments, we ran into and talked with several old pals: SuEllen Estey (also audtioning for "Vera"), Rachel York (with whom I did Les Mis for a while), who was there auditioning for PAJAMA GAME with Harry Connick Jr.(who was also there!!), Wayne Scherzer (also an old Les Miz pal) who was there to do a sit-down reading of a new musical based on something...he said it was great!), Stuart Howard, Casting Director, who I have not seen in years, and so many others...a busy place, and full of friends!It was actually a pretty relaxing way to prep for the upcoming auditions...we relaxed and socialized...My time in the Maine State room was first, and once again I did TO KEEP MY LOVE ALIVE , my old standby, a song that has booked me many a job...the Maine State table was filled with familiar faces, Chuck Abbott sitting in the midst of them...and my try-out was great...the song worked, they laughed, were delighted,etc. gave me sides to read...then Peter went in...I was far more nervous for him than I was for me...and he knocked them out!!!! He sounded fabulous (at least through the door) and when asked to sing another bit of a song, he did, with an adjustment or two, and when I went back in to read the scene (which also went very well) Chuck told me how impressed he was with Peter...the room was full of compliments for him...and i think Peter actually had a good time, which is a large step forward for him....all actors hate to audition, and the best we can do is try to have fun in the process....people lost no time in telling him how great his audition was...so we both walked away feeling pretty good about the work we did in that room. What comes next? Who knows? But we did our job. Now...next!!! If it is meant to be, maybe we will spend some time in gorgeous Maine this summer...if not, something else...and so we proceed with the actors life...sharing it with Peter is both an adventure and a pleasure... and, as uncomfortable as it can be, I learn something new everyday, about him, about myself, about the business we are in, about our love for each other. This is definitely a part of my life's journey I had not expected , and for the journey of it all, I am grateful. Yesterday, sharing with so many about the Barter experiences, it felt great to be back in the NYC "scene".

Wow. Reading over yesterday's blog entry, I realize how much I do miss being at Barter. I wonder how long this missing will go on? It hurts my heart not to be there. But it also feels right to be here. Ah...life!! In any event, here we are. And things are fine. Another sparkly day, yet really cold...a diamond day, I call it: clear and hard. A clean cold. And much to do in it. Peter did get offered the role of "Aramis" in that new treatment of THE MUSKETEERS, and now the question becomes: should he take it? The dilemma of the New York actor, at least one intent on building a career here, is much like the dilemma of the LA actor: it is not necessarily good to take everything that is offered! Why? For a variety of reasons: will it be worth the time spent on it? does it showcase the actor in a way that will be useful later? is the role interesting enough to make the actor happy? is the project "sexy" enough to attract attention? are the more important things the actor should be doing instead of what has been offered him? All these things figure in the discussion he will have with his agent. Actors are so desirous of work that it is often difficult to say "no" when someone wants you. But, as someone wise once told me, as much "no" as "yes" has to be said in a career. It is different at Barter (another point in its favor) where all the Company Members play all sorts of roles, no matter what the show, because that is part of the ethic of being a Company Member. Even if you do not particularly like a show or a role, the real deal is to be part of the Company and serve your fellow actor as much as you serve the audience. There will always be another role in the next show that will satisfy you. But here in NYC, an actor builds his or her own single career based on his or her single needs. There is very little larger cause being served, unless, of course, you care about the art you involve yourself in....mostly, though, even if it is bad,if it is popular and seen by many, then you probably should do it anyway! Well, Peter is batting 1000! One audition so far, resulting in one job offer! Yay! There are a series of on-camera classes he wants to take, however, giving him the experience of working in front of and seeing himself on camera, on screen, led by several NYC casting directors...he auditioned for that and got placed in the advanced level of classes. Those may actually be more important to him than accepting the role he was offered yesterday. It is his call. All I can do is love him, support his choices and continue to tell him how wonderful he is....which is easy to do, because he is. I admire his journey. The actor's journey. An honorable one. I must get my 2004 tax prep done!!!!! Then maybe I can go to Abingdon for a visit!

...to trade one thing for another of equal value...(my definition, not Webster's)...hmmm... the dictionary ? Random House :1.to trade by exchange of commodities rather than by the use of money" 2. to trade as one commodity for another...Barter...Barter Theatre..to barter theater for ..what? life? Barter...what was Barter in my life and why was it (is it?) so important to me, to us, to Peter and to me? Is it now just memory? Will I return there ever? It seemed impossible to leave there, and now, as days go by and we get busier here, Abingdon seems further and further away..I am in the midst of bartering those days for these...and so life goes on. Rick knew this when he and I talked of how i could share time between NYC and Virginia...The years Peter and I spent there (good old Valley View Drive and its grassy yards) seem so distant even now. All we did do there was work. Here,to walk down a street is a cultural event! The first few weeks being back scared me to distraction (now I actually know what that phrase means!!) and now this seems not to be the case...the more legitimately I get involved in our life here, on personal professional levels,the more comfortable Ifeel, and the more inevitable it seems that coming home was the right thing to do. Inevitable , I suppose. Yes. Of course.

But there are things about the Barter Theatre i need to think and write about. I need to analyze and sort out what that was and what it meant to me...and in doing so, perhaps I can describe the many ways in which the Barter is unique in the world...because it is just that. And very valuable. Valuable to its commuinity, valuable to the world of theater, valuable to the artists who all work there. And in its own special way brilliantly run and shaped. Right there is a story all by itself: the sheer miracle of scheduling to even make it run as well as it does...

So, expect more blog space soon devoted to stories about the Barter Theatre and our time there.Perhaps in this way, no matter how busy I become here, the wonderful time we spent there will not so quickly fade from my mind. Because it makes me sad to think that Barter will become only the memories of it. At least stories live on.

In the orchestra rehearsal room at the Ayers Studio on 47th Street, there was a lot of brass for such a small space, and the players were good too...good in the way that only Broadway pitmen who have played dozens of shows can be good...so right away, my ears and I were awake! A good solid trumpet-tenor sax-bass sax sound has always hit me right...and the percussionist, that scamp, has played SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE for so many years, he's seen it all....their maestro is Galt McDermott of HAIR fame, who has aged into a wise-eyed silver fox, looking far more delicate than he actually is...he's seen it all too, or at least, considering all the drugs that have coursed through him, he thinks, or imagines he's seen it all....he has probably seen a lot of things that were not actually there. In any case,we were all there yesterday morning at the Ayers Studio, listening to the guys rehearse the score for GODDESS WHEEL , Galt's new musical written with Matty Selman. Based on the ever-true Lysistrata it is yet another rock and roll treatment of the age-old theme: who rules? women or men? peace (piece) or war? etc.etc. The difference with this one is that it has crossed CAP21's path and we are doing a reading of it for our Monday Night Reading Series in April, and Frank V. has asked me to help out. I am intrigued enough to say yes...After all, I did direct HAIR (with 26 NYU Sophomores!!!) and grew very fond of what Galt and his pals had to say and how they said it...so here we are again, facing our age-old task: how to make a show out of what seems a big sprawling (yet passionate) mess right now? At the moment , we are baffled, but engaged, and Frank and I are using this process to sort out things we want to work on concerning CAP 21's process of development, and to look at how he and I work together...GODDESS WHEEL has much in it of interest...some genuinely sexy music, funny lyrics, ironic and sweet...and, ,much like HAIR, (what's the word I'm looking for?)...bumptious in its musical spirit...joyful noises, with an underlining of sadness and world-weariness...certainly not what is being written today by all the young lions of the musical theater world, like Adam Guettel, Jason Robert Brown,et al...this is definitely Galt McDermott's voice...no question about it...not at all modern in that contemporary sense, fractured and a-rhythymic or clever...just good old-fashioned music, much of it with a tinge of what HAIR sounds like...you would know it's by the same writer...but it very deeply and definitely says what it wants to say, and the message again is about the futility of man killing man...this one is older and wiser, though, and also talks of how silly man is in his pursuit for those things he thinks will comfort him...and how hard it is to fine true love in a world obsessesed with the physical....and i do love the title...I do love that title...GODDESS WHEEL...connoting the power of women...the eternal game, the never-ending journey that women and men take together...how never-ending is the toil women undertake to care for the race of mankind...Galt pointed out that despite the title, there are no actual goddesses in Lysistrata...but we discussed how there cannot be a piece of Greek theatre very far from the world of gods and goddesses, since no matter what, the divine was always in charge of what went on in their world ...always...the Greek pantheon was also very human in their specific characteristics...the gods were so like men and women...the dance between them so intricate and involved...a wheel is a good image for that too. And so the conversation goes on...Peter has a call back for the new musical THREE MUSKETEERS by Paul Johnson....we are home!

...when I think like a writer (at least my interpretation of what a writer thinks like), I look around me at the world that swirls furiously in the shape of New York City, and I realize every single thing I see and experience is grist for the mill of creativity...any subject is the right subject...a story can be woven out of anything, anyone, any sound, smell or place...and my restless soul, the part of me that wonders what it is I am supposed to be doing in the world when I am not performing on a stage or directing others to do so, my restless soul knows what to do....write about it. Despite the fact that no one may ever read what I write, I will write anyway. It's been this way since my first journal entry after college, when I sat alone in my Momma's Atlanta apartment and wondered on paper what i was supposed to do next with my life. If I were to divide my life into parts, or chapters, or perhaps episodes, there has always been a space between each one in which i wondered what would come next. And the space in between always looks endless but, of course, never is...and by now I would hope I have the good sense to truly value the spaces, when rest and genuine inspiration have room to occur. But, the old "monkey mind" (is that Natalie Goldberg's?) is a die-hard...it will chatter bothersomely....Had an interesting afternoon at CAP 21 yesterday: read the script for and listened to the CD of GODDESS WHEEL, a new treatment of LYSISTRATA, with music by Galt McDermott (HAIR) and book and lyrics by Mattie Selman... really full of possibility, and charmingly reminiscent of the style of HAIR...but altogether different too...how to even approach it? Frank V. is directing a reading of it for BW Monday Night Series, and has begun simply chatting with me about it...just to collaborate and chat...I love the title: GODDESS WHEEL...good words together....and there is some charming and delicious music already written...probably too much, in fact....and of course the story of Lysistrata is timeless and always important..now, what "take" should this particular one be? I admire it. Now what to do with it?We also had an Executive Committee meeting last night and began talking about re-structuring the company...a committee was formed...i love committees....and I am on it. So, more meetings to come....at least I know that much about the future....

• Do regional theatres, such as Barter, represent a reasonable venue for people coming out of school? is it a financially viable way to produce theatre? What does a good regional theatre have to do with the community it exists in? How does a theatre like the Barter achieve its scheduling? Why does the overlooked subject of scheduling mean success for a regional theatre? My brother Richard called me early this morning (a good time to catch this bird without having to put salt on her tail), and, just because he loves me and wanted to have pure conversation, he gave me what amounted to my first tutorial on the subject of writing for commercial publication...after all, he has made his living doing that very thing for decades, and he has lots to impart. So the above questions are some of the ones he gave me to answer if indeed I want to focus an article about the Barter Theatre!! In turn , I gave him an anecdote or two about some experiences i had on Jury Duty, and he said he would take the anecdotes and turn them into a blog...show me how it's done..i look forward to that..I love that he and I are communicating about this particular subject: writing....and the touching thing is, when Momma gave each of us our first "day book" or journal when we were kids, she was effectively launching us both as the writers we did become: Richard, the commercial writer and me, the journal writer...so that he and I are talking about writing now ...well, I hope Momma is listening! There are so many times, practically on a daily basis, that I hope Momma is tuning in! She is with me always, and in answer to her late-in-life worry that if she died she would regret missing the next things in my life? I say to her: i do it all with the idea in mind that you may be watching from above. SO: enjoy! Trust that I am growing and deepening and using my gifts to change the world for the better, in any small way I can. I had tea with Cynthia Adler late yesterday afternoon...she remembered my Momma, and talked about how my energy, my enthusiasm for living comes from the Momma she remembers meeting many years ago.ANYWAY: wonderful tea with Cynthia...wonderful reading of BERGIN PINES last night at CAP 21...wonderful rainy day today..very dark skies presage the snows ahead. This blog entry is such a good example of how i wander and wind through the passages of my mind...I wonder as I wander : will I ever be able to edit and focus? To my brother Richard, I send a big hug and kiss...your loggorhea-ical sister, Ev.

Gimme those lemons! Everyone, and I mean every one, has a bit of larceny in their soul..and for some inexplicable reason, the Federal Government chose Mistress Martha to make an example of because for larceny to become public is in such poor taste!!! I think we punished her more for that poor taste than for any crime she may have committed: our Martha is the Goddess of Good Taste, so any slip in that area had to be dealt with harshly!! In any event, she got out of prison last night at the glamorous and bewitching hour of 12 midnight! Who else could have managed such a chic and "downtown" exit ? So urban, so clubby...so much fun..."it's a good thing"...I envision an entire series of prison releases by the rich and (in)famous, each one vying for the most press coverage and the best late-night release hour: PRISON: THE ULTIMATE AFTER -HOURS CLUB!!! PRISON: what to wear when you "come out"!!! A new fashion line...PRISON: the new diet that works!!! PRISON: the workout! TAPES AVAILABLE AT THE COMMISSARY!! The perfect "Yo My Bitch" Day Gift: the Martha Haircut!!! (only authentic prison-crafted shivs used to achieve that perfect ragged-end look!)...So...darling Martha, a woman I love to watch do perfect things is out, baby, and even has two new TV shows to get busy with! I can hardly wait to see what she learned in "stir"! What crafty new skills she acquired ...I think it will only be a matter of time before her prison look will influence the fashion runways of NYC...and ankle-bracelet jewelry, clunky and communicative, will soon be so popular that even the corner-merchants will start stocking cheap imitations, batteries not included, but with that authentic prison burnished steel look...Martha RULES!!! Always has, always will, stock market faux pas be damned!!! A well-edged garden overcomes any and every woe! Stick to your kitchen knife sharpener , keep those blades edgy, and you can cut through any tough thing life throws at you! Smile for the cameras and lift those pots and pans, goody goody! I, for one ,will be among the first to tune in the see what Ms. Stewart has cookin for us on her new TV shows...and I think House Arrest a great title for at least one of her new shows!! Don't you?

...cold as cold can be, (or at least it felt like that when I took the pups out at 7:30am)..but sunny and clear as a bell...crisp and inviting..I have rehearsal with Eliza V. at 1:00...she is working incredibly hard to get this 35-page play in shape for a Monday Night audience, and I do think the direction I am able to supply is of help....a hard journey for one actor to travel, and if we go further with this, doing it 8 times a week will be a true test of strength...rather like a one woman VIRGINIA WOOLFE...an intricate journey into and out of and back into and out of her momentary madness...the day after she kills her abusive husband...the "day after" full of memories and rationalizations and terrors ...also, oddly, funny. The idea of a woman having to laugh or be lost forever....Eliza is a strong and smart actor...I have enjoyed this process...In a short while, the Piano Tuner(Scott Lockhart) will come and help our Yamaha baby grand in the dining room...Peter has been anxious for this to occur, since it pains him to hear the piano he so loves "under the weather"...and it is such a good piano...we missed it a lot when we were in Abingdon. I woke up yesterday filled with optimism and joy for life again...my daimoku (chanting "Nam myho renge kyo") is beginning to click into my daily being, and I can feel it fill the dark corners with its power, supplying me with an understanding and a faith in the sheer process of living that I had lost for a few dark days...I don't know why I had expected to return home and not feel the struggle of leaving a place I loved as much as i love Abingdon, Virginia...I always think (like an eternal Disney character) that the Prince has already come..I forget there is waiting involved...what fun would Snow White be if the things she hoped for were already there at the top of the tale? I so often forget: the process is all...i forget to enjoy that part sometimes...Meanwhile, Gary E. is busy submitting Peter and me for LAW AND ORDER episodes, shows and t.v. pilots...he believes in us both, is a good agent, and does work hard...he is anxious that i send any directing ideas I may have to him, as they develop with writers and companies, so he can begin to represent me as a director...he made a suggestion or two as to how I can further that energy in my life, and I understood how I can do that in a more productive way. If I want to....I also forgot that one of the things I swore to myself I would do on returning home was to NOT hit the ground running, but rather stay quiet for a while, breathe and take stock of all I have learned in the past years...not say YES to everything...not get so busy right away I forget to BE...so what's the first thing I do? Say YES to each and everything that was immediately there...fear of being still...trust...being still...trusting that, indeed, dreams do come true without having to waste energy worrying about them.. Being is enough..because, quite simply, there is power in being alive...In any event, I have started, finally, to enjoy the simple fact of being back in our wonderful West End Avenue home...the piles are gradually disappearing, we are beginning to understand how we may want to use each room to our advantage..and I continue to throw away more and more old stuff... we have postponed painting rooms until we have a better understanding of how we will use them...wise I think. The room we must complete a bit more is what I am calling our "blonde-blue-eyed" room: the Guest Room, since we may soon have a use for it...the walls are still the great blue Peter painted them, and all our light wood furniture pieces are there...great looking...light and comforting space. Melvin Dillon from Emory and Henry College may soon be here to use it! YAY!

....and all the streets do shrink....under the mantle of yet more cold white stuff...but it is beautiful....and it has been snowing now for hours and hours and hours . I had the most wonderful day yesterday, in the middle of it, with Drew E. After spending a much - needed morning at home, alone with my boxes and stacks and piles and puppies, (peter had a busy day of auditioning starting in the early morning), i got a lot accomplished in the way of organizing and putting things in their places...then, feeling refreshed from a morning not rushed, i set out to drop in to the Barter auditions down at the Ripley-Grier Studios...Peter and I had the most wonderful dinner with Rick R. and Amanda A. at Docks on Sunday night...their energy and friendship felt like pure oxygen to me...so good to be with them...and we spent hours over a fine and talkative dinner...anyway, determined to see them one last time before their departure, i did drop in briefly at the "Kathy Seldon" auditions for SINGING IN THE RAIN, and Peter was there too, having dropped by to watch for a while. Then I met Drew at Manhattan Theatre Club where we were invited to the most delightful reading of a new play called NATURAL HISTORY, by old friend Jennifer Camp...i have seen the script in its early stages, and the reading yesterday, with John Dossett, Michelle Pawk and another fine younger actor, was one of the best I've seen in so long...the 4 playlets flowed together nicely into a wry, urban, fun and funny adult view of love and people who dare to try it in its many forms...we laughed and had the best couple of hours. Then we subwayed down to AMERICA and had a fine dinner before going to another reading at CAP 21. Drew is fun to spend a day with. A good date, and such an important friend to me. He's sort of become part of home for me. My Buddhist mentor, my shaka buku poppa.... i value him so much. There is much to be done here. And since my outpouring of discomfort and pain in the past two blogs, i seem to be able to concentrate in a more comfortable and focused way on the various paths in front of me. As I said, there is much to do ....here. And there is no doubt that I am suposed to be here, with my dearest husband, discovering, or in some cases, re-discovering things I had forgotten or never bothered to explore before. As soon as BERGIN PINES is done on March 7th, (it is an intense play for Eliza V. to perform and for me to direct), I am intent upon not saying "yes" so fast to things requested of me, and to relax into my time here, as I had intended to do, with the trust that things will evolve as they will, as they are meant to, for the best of all concerned. I need to allow myself to see with the sort of clarity that can only come with slowing down and looking! I want to spend more time with my darling niece, Rachel. I want to be in my home. I want to be here for Peter in the best ways possible. I will take this time. I have earned it. Because right now, knowing how difficult it is to do anything well if you do not spend all the time needed to make it so, I would rather rest and store up energy for the next round of creative output, than to do any thing half-way, just to get by and be busy....So i will rest and store up...think and think some more. Breathe and write. The reminds me : "beneath the deepest snows, the secret of a rose, is only that it knows you must believe in Spring"....michelle le grand...so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....!