Chance = Change

...cold as cold can be, (or at least it felt like that when I took the pups out at 7:30am)..but sunny and clear as a bell...crisp and inviting..I have rehearsal with Eliza V. at 1:00...she is working incredibly hard to get this 35-page play in shape for a Monday Night audience, and I do think the direction I am able to supply is of help....a hard journey for one actor to travel, and if we go further with this, doing it 8 times a week will be a true test of strength...rather like a one woman VIRGINIA WOOLFE...an intricate journey into and out of and back into and out of her momentary madness...the day after she kills her abusive husband...the "day after" full of memories and rationalizations and terrors ...also, oddly, funny. The idea of a woman having to laugh or be lost forever....Eliza is a strong and smart actor...I have enjoyed this process...In a short while, the Piano Tuner(Scott Lockhart) will come and help our Yamaha baby grand in the dining room...Peter has been anxious for this to occur, since it pains him to hear the piano he so loves "under the weather"...and it is such a good piano...we missed it a lot when we were in Abingdon. I woke up yesterday filled with optimism and joy for life again...my daimoku (chanting "Nam myho renge kyo") is beginning to click into my daily being, and I can feel it fill the dark corners with its power, supplying me with an understanding and a faith in the sheer process of living that I had lost for a few dark days...I don't know why I had expected to return home and not feel the struggle of leaving a place I loved as much as i love Abingdon, Virginia...I always think (like an eternal Disney character) that the Prince has already come..I forget there is waiting involved...what fun would Snow White be if the things she hoped for were already there at the top of the tale? I so often forget: the process is all...i forget to enjoy that part sometimes...Meanwhile, Gary E. is busy submitting Peter and me for LAW AND ORDER episodes, shows and t.v. pilots...he believes in us both, is a good agent, and does work hard...he is anxious that i send any directing ideas I may have to him, as they develop with writers and companies, so he can begin to represent me as a director...he made a suggestion or two as to how I can further that energy in my life, and I understood how I can do that in a more productive way. If I want to....I also forgot that one of the things I swore to myself I would do on returning home was to NOT hit the ground running, but rather stay quiet for a while, breathe and take stock of all I have learned in the past years...not say YES to everything...not get so busy right away I forget to BE...so what's the first thing I do? Say YES to each and everything that was immediately there...fear of being still...trust...being still...trusting that, indeed, dreams do come true without having to waste energy worrying about them.. Being is enough..because, quite simply, there is power in being alive...In any event, I have started, finally, to enjoy the simple fact of being back in our wonderful West End Avenue home...the piles are gradually disappearing, we are beginning to understand how we may want to use each room to our advantage..and I continue to throw away more and more old stuff... we have postponed painting rooms until we have a better understanding of how we will use them...wise I think. The room we must complete a bit more is what I am calling our "blonde-blue-eyed" room: the Guest Room, since we may soon have a use for it...the walls are still the great blue Peter painted them, and all our light wood furniture pieces are there...great looking...light and comforting space. Melvin Dillon from Emory and Henry College may soon be here to use it! YAY!