Chance = Change

...from the extraordinary experience I had last weekend at Menla Mountain Retreat:

"Develop a mind so filled with love that it looks like space" - The Buddha

Phoenicia, New York
Thursday,May 25th, 2006
6:00 pm

MMM...Seitan in divine Tibetan Barbecue sauce...delicious salad and veggies...
We sat at a table with Robert Thurman, his wife Nena and Sharon Saltzberg....
the avian life rules the air waves here-it is thick with birdchat, song, twitters, chirps,peeps and trills -layers and layers of song, sound, and more song....
And I smell earth. Damp green earth.
After dinner we will all gather in the Conference Center for welcome talks,etc.
The Conference Center is a nice walk away, down a wide dirt path lit by solar lamps -Paul and I walked there earlier- nice and modern. Spacious. An enormous room for lectures, sitting meditation/chanting. Clean. Airy. With its own snack bar and bookstore, comfortable room to read.

We are here for 5 days. The subject: Fierce Compassion.

Why am I here?
Why are we all here?
Why do we all care about even trying to be compassionate?

I need quiet and I need to think...by coming here, I hope to find one and do the other...Peter and Steven have stayed back in NYC so Paul and could have this time alone together....very sweet...since Paul and I have wanted time to further explore Buddhism together...so here we are.

Cell phones do not work. At all.
Computers can, but one must make extra effort to use one. I will not.

7:45pm First Evening Session:

Justin made general announcements...i.e.:

There are many critters alive and walking on this property, besides human ones, I mean...including BEARS! So, walk to and from the Center in pairs...and simply tell them to go away and they will....Buddhist bears....cool....

Meditation -----Jewel Tree ------Silence

Sharon Saltzberg talks about compassion fatigue....NYC breeds it....what do I do in this situation,etc? Is compassion sentimental? Is it weak? No and no....Stupid? No.FIERCE.

We tend to define adventure as an external thing...tomorrow we will be in silence all day...consider that an internal adventure...an extremely radical adventure...silence...all day...

Compassion is the real power of life, not petty vindictiveness or anger...and without WISDOM and SKILL, compassion can be sentimental and weak...wise compassion...mindful...every person has compassion somewhere in them...to evolve to be the odd creature a human is, compassion has to be part of the deal, but there are those who become so alienated they become destructive...

the key point here is: what are YOU? what is YOUR goal in the world?
THAT determines the quality of your connection to the world. If you are looking to evolve into a blissful being, you will find ways to benefit from even the dis-compassionate ones of the earth....in Buddhism, REALITY is good...what is TRUE is SANE and SAFE.....

"He who is heedless or mindless is dead already" -The Buddha

The Four Immeasurables....Lovingkindness, Compassion, Sympathetic Joy and Equanimity.

The awareness of genuine reality is the balm of life...knowing what is real.

The Jewel Tree Meditation ....ends the day.

Well...wow.

Menla Mountain Retreat...5 days of sitting meditation, contemplation, discussion, talks and more meditation on the subject of Fierce Compassion....with two gentle geniuses of the Western Buddhist tradition: Robert Thurman and Sharon Salzberg...by the time I got to this experience I had read Sharon's LOVINGKINDNESS...the basis of her work at the Insight Meditation Institute..and another of hers called FAITH, which transformed my way of thinking about that subject altogether...and I had read Bob's JEWEL TREE OF TIBET...while there I devoured his INNER REVOLUTION..he is one of those writers who make you want to read more and more...a superb teller of stories,with an encyclopedic knowledge of Asian history and religions...in other words: we were, for five days, in the presence of great minds and hearts.

It was a powerful time for me on many levels of awareness. And i am so grateful to have been part of those days at that place with those spirits. MENLA is a name for the Medicine Buddha (actually there are 8 of them , in Tibetan tradition) and so Menla Mountain Retreat is all about healing.

In short: 3 gorgeous vegetarian meals a day..wonderful food, superbly prepared...breakfast at 8:00 am...first sitting and session up at the Nalanda Conference Center (about a quarter of a mile up the mountain) at 9:30....lunch at 12 noon, again, beautifully prepped for us...yoga class at 2:00 at the lovely Yoga Building...then an afternoon sitting and session at 4:00...dinner at 6:00...evening session at 7:45...break for the day at 10:00....and sleep! I slept more peacefully and healthily than I have slept in months....that alone is medicine.

The entire place, designed and cared for by Thurman's glorious wife Nena, is deluxe, and the quality of the bed linens and bath linens is comforting, well crafted and lush, though simple and serviceable...the colors used are muted and natural...an entire design of comfort, welcoming and clean. The grounds, all contributed to the Tibet House by a "friend", are being reclaimed and re-landscaped, from its time as a camp for boys...a nature and survival camp...so, new structures have been designed and built to house guests and staff...new buildings have been built for conferences and meditations...the yoga studio...the sanctuary...the sweat lodge....all appearing as if part of the natural woods surrounding them...one rather happens upon them while walking...and inside, each structure is spacious and cool, even on hot days.

Which brings me to thing i wrote down one day in my journal:

"Develop a mind so filled with love it looks like space" - The Buddha

That is what being inside these buildings was like: being inside a heart filled with so much love it looked, and felt , like space.

It strikes me that the only way to adequately write about my experience at Menla is to copy parts of the journal I kept there...I filled an entire blank book in those five days, every page filled with things I heard, thought and experienced in other ways as well....I have never filled a journal volume so quickly.

So, in the immediate days ahead: EXCERPTS FROM THE MENLA JOURNAL!

....finishing up Sharon Salzberg's book called FAITH before heading off to the Menla Retreat Center...she will be there, speaking to us and leading us in meditations , so I wanted to read at least a couple of her writings before i got to be in her presence , so FAITH is the 2nd of the two i read...the first being LOVINGKINDNESS....both books impressed me with their clear-eyed, specific experiences of her deepening spiritual journey through her life....as a result of her clarity, the concise writing style and inspired choice of words, I feel something shifting inside my thinking, and possibly my experience as well....maybe there is a more practical component to this journey I am on than I have heretofore realized....something that will palpably dig under my innate cynicism (no matter how I try to avoid it) and show me the truth in this: we ARE all the same and interconnected in ways unavoidable, and WHAT WE DO IN THE WORLD DOES MATTER...and that WE CAN MAKE A REAL DIFFERENCE, no matter how futile it seems at times. Salzberg's writing is powerful....not poetic or imagistic: real and experiential. Which of course often makes the best kind of poetry....but for now, I will settle for being deeply moved by it, whatever it is. I need to send this latest book to my mother-in-law, as it directy addressses something she and I talked about the last time we visited th United Nations...IS THERE A WAY TO REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE? Suddenly, I understand that yes, there is a way. Possibility is all I ask for.

Talk about thresholds! We leave for the Retreat in a few hours.

I wonder what it will be like there.

Anyway......more to report ,when I return in five days. So for now, once again, bye,dear readers.

xxevalyn

....on the fresh breezes of a sunny Spring day! Today is that day. And tomorrow, Paul D. and I drive north to Phoenicia , New York, around the Woodstock area, for a five day sitting retreat with Robert Thurman and Sharon Salzberg...the subject: Fierce Compassion....the activities: yoga every morning, talks and meditations all day, vegetarian meals and evening quiet times....Menla Retreat Center...photos show me that it is inspirationally gorgeous. I have decided to retreat into my own life today and treat the free day (I have no appointments, for a delicious change), as a threshold day.......what do i mean by a "threshold day"?

Too much of our lives is spent merely passing through...we live so quickly, so actively, so busily, that before we are even well conscious of it, the time has gone by and we are at the end of it...at the end of a day...the end of a week.,.the end of a show...the end of a month..at year's end...and finally; our entire lives are over before we have a chance to savor them....and we ask ourselves: where did the time fly?

So, in recognition of that all too common phenomenon, I have named today a threshold day because i want it to be the doorway into a different sort of consciousness: a step into awakedness, a fall into savoring the delights of each moment as much as possible....I use the words "fall into" because I want this day to mark the start of my letting go of control, of my falling into love with my own life....falling connotes release, and that is what I want...falling also intimates of accident and mistake...falling, as if heading for hurt...which is why i think most of us do not let ourselves fall into our lives...we are scared of being hurt....of being the victims of a good passionate fall...we may skin our knees and bleed....BUT I SAY when we fall , we fall onto clouds! WHEN WE FALL, let us feel confident that we will FLY!

But FLY with grace and gentleness and breath and ability to see what is around us.

SO I want to fall into today....cross the threshold of each moment and be aware...as some Buddhists are aware of walking through everyday doorways: they pause and meditate for a moment after passing through ...it's a meditation practise some use...well, I want today to be that for me....a recognition of doorways...and since each new moment is doorway into the next moment, the entire day is now a threshold day.....

To catch up: yesterday's New School meeting was fabulous..I have rarly worked with such a collaborative group of people, exciting artists all, intent upon shaping a great experience for the lucky 18 attendees of this new Immersion into Musical Theater...Nova Thomas...wow! Keith Buhl, amazing....Chuck Maryan, wonderful...Diane Wondisford, a miracle....and that 16 days of work are going to be lush with creativity...for all concerned. The meeting was productive and the curriculum is shaping well.

THEN: Peter and i were gifted with two House Seats to the most wonderful thing:
ALTAR BOYZ!!!!!! If you have not seen it, GO NOW!!! The most theatrical fun I have had in far too long a time....Peter's school chum Mark Kessler is one of the original conceivers of this wonderful show and as such was able to give us his two seats for last night's show...we were hilariously entertained and came away from the show feeling so great! The ALTAR BOYZ are a fictional Christian (Catholic) boy band and with that premise, these remarkable five yong men tear the stage up with the most delicious singing and dancing and fun...the most refreshing thing about the evening , besides the rhythms and clear gifts of the men, is that the piece knows what it is and embraces itself unabashedly...without trying to be anything else! It has the joy of sheer authenticity, and with its tongue slyly placed in various cheeks, the portrayals are truthful, sweet and deeply , humanly funny. What a relief! To see something really good.

Thank you Mark Kessler!

And to day, the sun is shining and the breezes blow with an insouciance that suggests that it too knows each moment is meant to be savored! So, as Summer comes nearer, let's not be afraid of its heat; let's not shy from its dampness; let's take off our mental clothing and run through the rain! Let's swim through the watermelon sweetness of it all! And wash off the sugar with cool, clear water!

Let's walk through doorways. C'mon!

....to The York Theatre Company, James Morgan and his crew, for putting A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE on its stage so beautifully, thus providing a chance for so many to see and be moved by what that show has to say about life and love....yesterday's final audience was loud and enthusiastic in their support of what we had to give them...it was a terrific send-off for the project we have all been working on so hard for the past 10 weeks...

...to Eric Haagensen and Richard Isen for writing such a beautiful show...one that I had the good fortune to begin to work on 16 years ago at Goodspeed...these two men do have a lyrical gift...and much love in their hearts...Peter Beagle did write the book (at age 19, no less!) and it was Eric and Richard who saw the theatrical potential in it, put hours of thought and craft into it and who kept championing it through the years until they were able to realize their Off-Broadway dream of it...

...to the Staff and Tech Crews of the York...and amazing group of loving people,who, for little money work as hard and produce results that millionaires would be pro9ud of....Tim, the ever-smiling and funny Tim, who had the onerous burden of being Wardrobe Mistress to us all, and helped me change....lovely Andrea, also ever-smiling Assistant SM who ran a tight shop backstage and never was less than dear and loving...Scott, who became our SM late in the run and who loved this show so much...

...to Brian, Sol, Nancy, Alissa, Kirk, all of the wonderful York people...they do so much with so little...they keep the place pulsating with mission and strength...

All in all, this FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE experience was top-of-the-line, as far as NYC theatrical experiences go...and they deserve the special Drama Desk Award they received last night for their contribution to the development of Musical Theater...this is a company whose work i can solidly get behind and assist , and so i shall , in any way i can, when the time comes. David McCoy, President of their Board, is a stellar man, tall, handsome and thrilled by what is possible at the York, and he has devoted much time and effort to helping it through the years. I like him so much.

And onward.....so much to write about....I especially want to write about the York, in the days to come, and its special mission...how truly unique it is...the specific nature of its heartbeat and goals...

But for now.....tra la! and off i go into the day....(which is gorgeous , cool and sunny )!

xxev

...have been coming my way this past week about the blog entry I wrote concerning the possibility that A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE might be the last show I choose to perform in as an actor. I say "surprise reactions" because, first of all, I am constantly surprised to discover how many people actually read my blog, and even more surprised to learn who reads it....to all who do, I once again say: thank you. I also say "surprise reactions" because people who have commented on that particular entry seem surprised that i would ever make such a decision about my life....people who have always known me, primarily, as an actor...also, I use the word "surprise" to describe the reactions because it surprises me that people take what i write so seriously. So, this whole thing about maybe never acting again has, well...it has surprised me!!!

That being said, let me say this about that:

I will always be an actor. In my soul, deep in my heart, and throughout the rest of my body, an actor is what i have been and always will be. The stage is my home. Performing in front of live audiences is where i have come to understand about myself , about my life, about humanity, about joy. Acting , singing the best I can manage (I've never considered myself particularly a singer), and giving life to characters in front of audiences full of people...these things have , in large part, defined who I am. This will never not be true. Acting is what I do. Taking action. Breathing my life into crafted characters, with the intention of telling stories that move audiences from one point in their lives to another.

I will always do this. I will never stop. How can I? It matters too deeply to me.

That is why it must never become just a job to me. That is why I have to begin to say no to most of the auditions that come my way, lately. That is why I havet o trust these instincts of mine. That is why it will take something special to make me want to do it again. And that something special will come along. It always has. An offer that I cannot refuse...a show that matters.

If that one comes my way, there I'll be: back on stage, happily so. But just to earn my daily bread and insurance weeks? My time is better spent elsewhere, like in a classroom helping others learn, or in front of my computer, finally writing what I have spent my life yearning to write.

I guess I should revise my previous blog statement. A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE will be my last show as an actor...until the next one comes along.

........a Tony Award Nomination for:

The Most Loyal and Hardworking Musical Writing Team, with Show Yet Unproduced!

The Most Gifted Playwright Working Two Jobs and Writing Late Into the Night!

The Most Gifted Dancer Who Sweeps the Studio Floors for Free Classes!

and...of course:

The Most Gifted Theater Critic Who Actually Supports Shows Instead of Killing Them!

Where do we find these extraordinary people? If they are not in the forefront of the public's eye, how can we know who they are? How can we honor them?

Just knowing they are there...realizing that without them, there is no real show business..no real theater community...ah, yes.....community...Just knowing they are a reality of how we conduct our daily work....well, for now, that will have to be enough....BUT, knowing about them, giving these people a thought or two? Perhaps this will engender a sort of genrosity and compassion so sadly forgotten in our line of work so much of the time. We are all so ready to divide and win, instead of unite and really conquer the very things we originally go into theater to do: overwhelm the smallness of the human heart...expand the limited view of how we see the world...love in abundant amounts instead of fear and mistrust...at Tony time we need to remember why we do this work: to share the campfire on a cold night.

Artists are always dis-satisfied...they will always reach for more...whether they are awarded or not.

...bright and far too early this morning, this gorgeous Wednesday morning, sunny and cool...i am due at a 56th Street Studio by 9:45 to begin a session of looping new lines for the Mt. Vernon film I shot...should take maybe an hour or so,since I know this crew works efficiently.....it will be nice to see such good people again..and I will be able to see the entire little film, I think. They tell me it turned out great. And maybe I can get a clip or two to put on my website!

After that session, I will go by the midtown home of Ruth and Jerry Selman, who I will write more about later...suffice it to say they are a remarkable elderly couple in the mid-80's,and they are what i would dub extraordinary people......Pat Yonka first met Ruth when they came together to work for the Peace Council of the Montesssori NGO at the United Nations..NGO stands for Non-Governmental Organization...and both Ruth and Jerry ,her astonishing husband, have been working for the causes of peace, futurism and prgressive politics all their lives...they are what I would certainly call Old Reds, in the best tradition of that phrase: liberal New York Jews, with hearts of gold and principals of iron...not that they were ever actually members of the Communist Party (whether they were or not is something I don't know), but they were marching for peace long before it became popular, and I imagine they fought for a number of unpopular causes in their day...I love these people.

They came with Pat and Charles Y. to see A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE on Mothers' Day and we dined with them after the show.....Ruth wants a copy of the script for the Drama Group she has started in her Assisted Living Facility!!!! She is unstoppable!
And still sits in on the United Nations briefings given regularly for NGO's and their representatives. As it happens, their son Matty Selman is a writer and a collaborator, lately , with Galt McDermot on a couple of musicals....Pat hooked me up with this information, and some scripts of theirs, while i was down at Barter. Funny how it all works. Matty wrote the book for GODDESS WHEEL...Galt wrote the wonderful music. And there is a new one Matty has said he wants me to look at as well. To give to the York, perhaps. We shall see. But this is all under the title of "Small World"....Ruth and Jerry...now there is a subject worth writing a play about!

It is very early right now, and Pat and Charles have departed already to return to Michigan. Their visit was valuable on several levels....I love them so much.

And at the end of this week, Paul and Steve finally return from the West Coast! They are having the most glorious time out there and will be somewhat sad to return to real life i imagine...but that does not stop me from selfishly being ecstatic that they are coming home! YAY!

Now, off to dub!

WOW!!!!! Just came from a meeting where we talked and talked about the curriculum for the 16 action-packed days of the New School Summer Immersion and , good god, was it exciting...Somehow, Diane Wundisford and Keith Buehl managed to put together a most wonderful core faculty and we had the best time throwing ideas around and shaping philsophies and talking mission and intention ...well, an invigorating 2 hours turned into a stunning 5 hours of conversation and viewing of applicants tapes...we are getting some wonderful people...

And because it is a brand new program never before done at the New School, there were all sorts of things to discuss and figure out...and we have begun! Very exciting. The Master Classes alone are worth the money the students are paying...people like Bill Erwin and Kristin Chenoweth and Bernie Telsey and Donna Murphy, teaching two hour classes on any a given day, but the rigorous schedule of dance at Merce Cunningham every morning, acting classes with me and with the amazing amazingly wonderful Nova Thomas (from Westminster College of Music)....repertoire and audition class with Chuck Maryam...what is being called "synthesis class" at the end of each day in which Diane and Keith pull it all together for them...well, it will be a rich and productive 16 days...it will be swift and powerful. And if half the intentions of the group are met, these people will come away from their experience changed in profound ways...even Don Green, the performance psychologist, is in the mix and will be monitoring the 18 students' progress...they will receive enormous amounts of input and we will all be very tired when it is done. And I am honored to be included....these are terrific spirits and their ideas are deeply deeply artistic and full of goodness....I am so thrilled.

Much prep to do....and we meet at the downtown Westbeth school building next week...wow. This will be fun.

I will soon have a link to the program on my website, so you can read more about it.

...a cool,yet enjoyable Early Spring Day!!

Or is it that I am glad to have a day off from performing? Y'know, for someone who loves and has loved her work as an actress for so long, it amazes me how glad I am when i do not have to do it!!!! Is it the fatigue of aging? The boredom of familiarity? Dunno. But I am glad not to have to do this little show tonight...and I love doing this little show!

We have 7 more performances of it and they will be nice...people who come to see it really do get emotionally tugged by it and end up talking about how everyone should see this show, etc...that there is "an audience" for this one, and that it says things people need to hear,etc....of course, this is all true...with the right press and selling strategies, this little show could have a healthy off-Broadway run for those meant to see it....but, its Fate is other....

And so is mine.

I am deeply grateful to The York Theatre, Jim Morgan, Eric Haagensen, Richard Isen, for finally settling on casting me in the role and giving me the chance to do it again. It has been a fulfilling time, a time in which I have gotten back in touch with certain things inside my performing self and I am grateful...I am...thank you , guys...

Today I meet with our team for the New School Musical Theater Summer Intensive program I am teaching in for a short while in June...this should be interesting. Diane Wondisford is a smart and deeply sympatico woman, who I have liked since the moment I met her...,so I trust her taste, and she has shaped this new program into being with a certain vision in mind. Chuck Maryan, Nova Thomas and myself are the three who will be talking today with Diane and Keith Buhl, the leaders of the program...Keith is a regular on the Faculty at the New School /Drama School...and the night I met him at Diane's I liked him right away...such great energy. This short but intense program will have lots of good energy floating around, and today at Diane's office down on 26th Street we will determine how to shape all that energy into good teaching....should be interesting.

Peter's wonderful parents (Patty and Charles) have been here since Friday, and we have had a great time with them, as usual...yesterday, as a belated birthday gift to me, Patty arranged a gorgeous luncheon in the Delegates Dining Room at the United Nations!!! She remembers I once told her that my Momma used to take us there whenever we visited NYC as kids, so remembering that, she thought it would be nice to fulfill that memory...and so we did..and it was dear of her to do that. Everytime I enter the United Nations Nuilding over on the East Side of this City, I am filled with the sense that there are far more importatnt things to accomplish in the world than doing plays for a living.

I have been devoted to the show business most of my life, and i revere it for the power in its potential to change people....I have always felt a good play (with or without music)can so deeply affect an audience member, that the course of that person's oife could change for the better...I have felt my profession to be a calling, and I have felt this way for as long as I can remember thinking of such things....it has always felt like a privilege to be an actor. The Ego is so arrogant.
It manufactures its own importance....and yet, i know I have opened up lives...and this is no small thing to do, I realize.

But you walk into the Lobby of the UN, and see what is really going on in the world at large, see how many statistic prove that most of us live our lives NOT thinking of the sad plight of others, and I feel so useless. How can a child starving in Kenya stay alive? Certainly not by seeing THE DROWSY CHAPERONE on Broadway...though if we got that child here, fed it and clothed it, made it whole again, no doubt she or he woul dbe deoighted by all the colors and lights....but first things first! So I am filled with a renewed sense of mission after spending any time in the United Ntions Buiding....if only I knew what form that mission must take next in my life.

Studying Buddhism makes me understand that the world is much smaller, much more personal than I have taken it to be...that the "other" and I are the same...the exact same...studying this astonishing Buddhism has helped me feel and understand so much more...to , dare I say, know more than i did....so, now what? After learning what I have begun to learn, it seems odd to continue living in the same way I have been living. There are things to be done. I fluctuate daily between feeling powerful and powerless. I read of lovingkindness and discover more hatred in myself than I knew existed. I learn of courage and feel more fear. This has to be how learning is accomplished. I can only pray so.

But for now, I will teach. And in order to do so, I must shower and wash my hair!
So, one step at a time. And on into the rain!

....swathed the living room in a kind of morning hopefulness....after a good night's sleep, of course, anything felt possible, and she had just had a good night's sleep...her first in days..."

I cherish opening lines ...and closing lines as well...and titles...I am always looking for possible titles to that book I will write some day...so this morning I created an opening line for my day! it: "the grey soft light of early spring"...feels good when I say it out loud..

Two shows today....two more weeks of performances and this adventure will be over and done , at least for now...there is talk of doing the CD of this cast, since the voices are so good and a new song for the "Laura" character is now in the first act...but certain details have to be worked out, and maybe it will happen , maybe it will not....we shall see! If it does, then there will be two recordings of A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE out in the world with me on them as the inimitable "Klapper"...can the world stand this? Is it meant to be? Stay tuned.....! Meanwhile, we beaver away at the job, and the houses have been so wonderful to us....papered or not, discount tix or not, they have been warm and supportive and we can all tell they allow themselves to be genuinely moved by what we give them. It has been gratifying. And makes going to the theater every day (except Tuesday) fun.

I cannot help but feel that this particular show marks the end of my performing career....and I am not sure why I feel this way...but I do...and happily so. This is not something that makes me sad or upset..in fact, it feels like an unburdening...I have reached an age and an understanding that performing on a stage does not mean to me what it used to mean....i no longer need it the way i used to need it...and other things have more value to me now...and , whereas I respect the dynamic that exists between a performer and audience, and have always held audiences dear, I feel I have given all I can give to them now. There are people who have more to give than i have, and I want to help them give it....why should I take up the space or time that others can more importantly fill....I have had my say...let others have theirs....I will teach and direct them...help them...but then i want to be able to garden on the weekends...travel and see the oceans ofthe world! I do not want to spend my time in dark musty theaters any more...i have lived a resident life in such places....slept on the floors of dressing rooms between matinee and evening shows.....ordered in and eaten a cold meal before re-applying make-up ...tramped the stages one too many times in front of audiences who have had to be dragged into the theater to see something alive...seen one too many important projects disappear without a whimper because no one cared to help them survive... breathed in far too much backstage dust...I need to breathe the air of a clearer reality...so...

A photograph comes to mind....one that hangs on the wall of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleveland...it's a photo of BB King...a black and white shot...because none of the restaurants in the town he was playing would allow black people inside, performers like King had to cook their own meals backstage of whatever venue they were playing...and this photo is of BB King frying his own catfish over a small burner of some sort..he looked so tired... and there's Lucielle his famous guitar, standing right nearby while he wearily cooked his dinner...he looked so tired!...so sad...he gives all he can...and then is not allowed to join the world to nourish himself...but he kept playing for them all anyway....there is such dignity in the picture..and of course sadness...and I think about that photo so much sometimes..

Paul and Steve are on the West Coast and call me twice daily, at least, to describe the gorgeous beauty they are experiencing. Lately the calls just depress me. Because I wish i could see the ocean right now too...feel the sun and the breezes...smell clean salty air...allow my body to experience what my mind and soul are experiencing as I read more and more Buddhist literature...there is place they visited called the Green Gulch Ranch, a Zen place, that fed their souls deeply..i want to go there...they have sent us photos of it...too beautiful to seem even real...but there it is...do i feel like escaping? Probably, for a while...But the more i read, the more i realize it's not escaping from something, it's releasing into something else...something more beautiful, purer and more real than anything i thought I ever knew until now...and it has to do with love and the ability to genuinely give something back into a world that needs what I have to give...

I can state it no more clearly than that...I need to meditate and float out over an ocean in order to gain some perspective I may have never had before...and that my life in theater has never been able to contain...this is exciting to me.

Lovingkindness...a powerful word.....an outrageous concept,especially if you live in a tightly packed sardine can like NYC....lovingkindness, indeed. Loving AND kindness in the same utterance....whew! a mouthful....! And the book with that word as its title is a bookful, I assure you..

I am reading Sharon Salzberg's book called Lovingkindness, in preparation for the end-of-May weekend I am spending up at Menla meditating and sitting in talks with Sharon S. and Robert Thurman......and it's difficult for me to express in words what I am feeling and learning as i read this book...it is all about the metta -practise in Buddhism...the one based on the metta sutra that begins: "This is what should be done by those who are skilled in goodness and who know the path of peace: let them be able and upright, straighforward and gentle in speech, humble and not conceited, contented and easily pleased, etc.etc....it is a most wonderful collection of ideas, and I meditate on this suttra every day now...it goes on to explicate, in the gentlest way possible, how a human being should behave in the world we live in...it's some, maybe 50 lines long....and the words have crept into my consciousness....they are sort of acting like a little silver shovel, unearthing mounds of mud that have covered over my thoughts and my being for so long...as a result all sorts of wormy things are crawling out to see daylight for the first time in a long time, and the sheer process of greeting these creepy crawlies has me fascinated! The mind is a never-ending source of entertainment!

As the dirt and mud get tossed aside, and as my purer thoughts emerge, it is stunning how mean they are! And how constantly, doggedly judgemental they all are! How critical and nagging in tone...how narrow-minded and biased. Underneath all I do, there lives a curmudgeonly monologist, not charming, not fun, not nice....lovingkindness? Phooey! Who the hell do I think I'm kidding! I am Satan in disguise! I seem to hate almost everyone who crosses my path! At least for a brief tiny instant....my mind is a contant gardener of critical comments...they bloom without my even knowing they were there before they pop their little heads up and splash out to the world: "Yuck, look at her awful hair!"...or "Wow, is he fat and ugly!"....or "God, I hate her ,she's so thin and gorgeous!"...or "How dare that stupid young mother let her kid sit down in a seat I could be sitting in?"...or "Wow, now that is a stupid looking outfit...so wrong for that body"...etc.etc.etc and much worse, I assure you.

I have become hyper-aware of how NOT full of lovingkindness I am....and this neither shames me nor alarms me..it just surprises me! Because basically i like people. And even understand enough about the way the world actually works to know that the gulf that separates us is imaginary...we are all the same... and love IS all that matters...but there those thoughts are! And that is almost a source of amusement for me....it's like watching bad Television!!!!! And all my channels are the WB Network! Bad, bad, tacky and worse....

So...this book is having a definite impact... it is clearing my vision...and during a time when so much could be clouding it (when is there not a time when that is so?) I find instead I look and see only wondrous possibility and hope...how dare i hope in such a world as we have today? One interesting by-product of doing A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE right now is that despite mixed reviews (some great some not), and even though the York is having to offer seats at a discount to fill the house, the house IS being filled and each audience loves the show more than the last one...yesterday we got a standing ovation...becaue it IS a good good show, the music and story are what people want to hear...and it MOVES THEM! And the York (and the wonderful James Morgan) is devoted to getting the shows they believe in out there for people to see...so we will probably run to our scheduled closing date of May 21 with full houses, with the York's "nut" not being met....but people will get what they came for: a theater experience that changes them for the better.

People would rather be thrilled by a live theater event than believe what they read in some critics column. So, whatever spirits are guiding people to the York's doors to see us are spirits with hearts in the right places....I love the looks on the audiences' faces after I sing "No One Ever Knows"...wet with tears....a recognition that what they have just heard is true...a glad sharing of a bitter-sweet truth....and after Christianne sings "Close Your Eyes", that instant when the audience hangs onto silence rather than break it with applause...it's magic.

I have to go meet a wonderful NYU student for lunch. More later...

Right into the void, created by much thought and contemplation I have been choosing to meditate on lately, has stepped dear Aleta C. and her class....since my return from Barter, she and this marvelous group of students have kept my spirits soaring and, as I chose to copy and paste her latest letter , you will see why:
Dear Evalyn,

I want to thank you for your note to my class and me. They were thrilled to know that you would even consider putting the Andrew Marvell's poem on your dressing room mirror. (They feel as if they are a part of your acting life now.) (They sent me a copy of To His Coy Mistress, from the which the line "a fine and private place" is derived)I read your note to them on our last class together, and they will take your advice and "go out into the world and share their knowledge with love."

Isn't it something that they will take your wisdom and let it become part of their lives? We have so enjoyed your writings and your wit and your experiences in New York City. (!!!)

The students here are somewhat sheltered from the unnecessary harshness of the world even though they do have their own personal tragedies they try to work through. But, what I admire in them is that they still think that one person can change the world and society; and that this change can start with them. (That , of course, is truer than true...though in a city like this one, that is hard to remember at times)

So, they march off armed with idealism, integrity, honor, and courage to right the wrongs in the world-- or at least they try to soften the damages that others cause. Through your writings, they feel that you are that type of champion, too. (Too kind)

You are that type of champion--and I do hope you know that. Your integrity shines through your wit--and that is a most appealing quality, especially to students. You have awakened in them what means the most in the world and now, they are going out into the world and do just that.

So--to you from all of us (commencement is this Saturday, May 13)-- they wanted to give you their highest praise in the form of their favorite quote from the poet Robert Frost. . .

Frost said, "I am not a teacher--but an awakener."

Have a grand summer and continue to have great adventures, from Dr. Aleta Crockett in Virginia

Dear Aleta and Class.... thank you thank you....and, as someone once told me at my wedding: ENJOY THE CHANGES! They are inevitable, and some may seem painful, but all they truly mean is that valuable growth is taking place....so keep breathing,relax and love as much as possible. Congratulations on your graduation! Both my husband Peter and I send love. xxevalyn baron

...and I am in a house cleaning fit of a mood!.....I do have one private student coming at 2:00 but otherwise I am picking up, throwing away, laundering, folding, storing and dusting...I have been wanting to do this for weeks now but have had absolitely noooo time, and now here is a little bit of it, and off I go....I have been waking up lately each morning with apsecific thing in mind to either throw away, store, or clean...yesterday it was a stack of very old newspapers...today it was the front hallway rug to clean...and if i I could rid myself o fhalf my belongings, easily, I would..the problem is I always fins a reason not to! But today, those reasons may fly out the window...along with the items themselves!

Only two weeks more really of A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE, and though York audiences are meagre, those who come do love it so...or at least seem to...talking with friends who have been in other York shows, no matter how well-reviewed or how much the audiences have loved them, as with ours, people simply do no fill the house except on Opening nights and the rare preview, and that is usually with the new York folk who like to see everything early so they can talk about it with others....and now we are left, a raft of good reviews to our credit, with hardly anyone in the house...but we go gamely on! And we still love each other and the show itself.

Odd. People seem to much prefer spending their money on more expensive things. And with their small budgets, the wonderful York does the best it can to reach as many as it can.

Gabe Barre, our director and original "Raven" has already left to go off and direct other thigns...so the terrific Gary Littman is on and he is truly good....our stage manager Allie Deutsch will be gone after this Sunday's matinee....she's leaving a few days earlier than planned...Christianne Noll will be taking a few shows off to do some concertizing, long planned...her understudy will go one, and in fact was hired from the begining to do just that....but Chris will be back....and the rest of us are slogging it out.

The most exciting thing for me is that on the weekend after the show closes, Paul and I are going off to the Catskills to a place called Menla Retreat House for a full weekend with Robert Thurman and Sharon Salzberg...a full sitting meditation weekend in the mountains....I have been reading theirbooks assiduously, and am ready to learn all I can from them....then, as it is working out, i shall teach at the New School in June....a new Musical Theatre Intensive Program for out of town aspirants....Should be an intense time...but interesting. Then.....i want to rest and teach just enough to live...the Fall promises to be a busy time at NYU...

Peter and i are in deep discussion about what to do with our lives...and about whether or not we even want to stay in NYC....but for today, i wash my rugs and clean my closets.

Peace and love to all.

Dear Evalyn, ( from darling Eric H. who wrote the book and lyrics)

Yes, a new recording is in the offing. John Yap wants to do it (after seeing the show last night) and I think it is likely to happen, but all is not set just yet.
And, no, I have no idea why the "cultural critic" of the Times came last night.

A damn good musical, rich in intelligence and emotion. Enjoyable, thought-provoking entertainment. Charming and quirky. Sophisticated melodies blend well with a sensitive book and deftly crafted lyrics. A quintet of Broadway musical veterans sings and acts with obvious relish. A striking set. Lighting that captures all the right moods. Luscious, intimate orchestrations. A much needed sign of intellectual life in New York’s musical theatre world. – Musicals101.com

A genuine charmer. Its lovely, melodic score is sensitively staged and beautifully sung. The voices send chills down a music lover’s spine. Director Gabriel Barre smoothly and nimbly maneuvers his cast through the shifts between the real and fantasy sequences. The small St. Peter’s Theater is the perfect setting to bring out the show’s delicate intimacy. Who said small can’t be beautiful?
– CurtainUp.com

A Fine and Private Place wins you over. Equal parts fantasy and reality, this is not gloomy graveyard fare. Visitors will feel welcomed. All of the characters matter and all are memorable. In a strong and strong-voiced cast, the standout is Christiane Noll in a performance that is beautifully sung and compellingly acted. Soaring anthems to the magic of love are tempered with realism. “The bravest hearts wind up in pieces,” sings Gertrude Klapper. When the pieces fit, as they do in A Fine and Private Place, it’s well worth taking the chance.
– AmericanTheaterWeb.com

The most captivating embrace of the season occurs between two characters who never even touch. The ecstatic, erotic moment in question happens in the second act of A Fine and Private Place, the gentle new musical being produced by the York Theatre Company. What’s more, it happens between two ghosts. The show has all the emotional and theatrical power you could wish for. Richard Isen’s music is always beautiful, at times even magically rapturous, and surging with restful romanticism. Erik Haagensen’s book and lyrics show great care and creativity. Glenn Seven Allen and Christiane Noll make powerful impressions in their songs. “No One Ever Knows” is heartfelt, the emotional peak of Evalyn Baron’s performance. Joe Kolinski sings his music robustly. Director Gabriel Barre is a one-note hoot as the Raven, and his staging of the ghost-human interactions is beautiful.
– TalkinBroadway.com

A Fine and Private Place is an admirably ambitious piece with a lot to offer audiences. A charming and romantic musical fantasy. Isen’s music is light and pretty and Haagensen’s lyrics are pleasant. Director Gabriel Barre has mounted a well-acted, nicely sung and visually imaginative production. Barre is fun to watch as the raven and delivers his wisecracks well. Glenn Seven Allen and Christiane Noll make for an attractive and well-sung couple, playing their scenes with warmth and sincerity. Evalyn Baron is quite tender and sympathetic as the lonely Gertrude. Joseph Kolinski is comical and hearty in the role of Jonathan. James Morgan’s set, Jeff Croiter’s lights and Scott De la Cruz’s projections create exceptional design work executed with the kind of taste and artfulness that puts many large-budgeted musicals to shame. The York’s production contains enough charms to delight lovers of intimate, romantic musicals. Sublime theatrical bliss to be savored and adored.
– BroadwayWorld.com

Richard Isen and Erik Haagensen are to be commended for writing this gentle love story. Strong performances: Evalyn Baron’s acting is nicely nuanced, Christiane Noll and Glenn Seven Allen sing their roles beautifully, and Joe Kolinski also sings well. Gabriel Barre flies away with the show; his comic timing is delicious, and his little bits of business add enormously to the fun. Excellent work from the design team: James Morgan's fluid set design creates a variety of playing spaces; Jeff Croiter's lighting does an extremely effective job of creating the ghostly world; and Pamela Scofield's costumes, especially for the raven, are excellent.
– Theatremania.com (that married couple, I think)

Often-impressive work. The four leads do well; credit goes to director Gabriel Barre. York subscribers should be pleased. A Fine & Private Place gets points for being an unconventional musical displaying originality and heart, not to mention attractive performances. Regionals looking for an earnest and economical musical should give this tombstone tuner an afterlife.
– Variety

Erik Haagensen and Richard Isen's understated score displays musical and lyrical sophistication. There are lovely songs, chief among them the haunting "Close Your Eyes," beautifully sung by Noll. The actors deliver engaging turns, with Barre giving a nicely detailed physical performance as the persnickety bird.
– NY Post


...and so it goes...today is a much-needed day off, and i had an early moring commercial call down at House Productions on 15th Street...the meat-packing district is now so chic and interesting, it's like being in a forgeign city, so, I stayed downtown and invited Ken Kliban to join me for lunch...a dear old pal (we did the SOCIAL SECURITY Tour together, buthad known each other from Circle Rep days for years...so much fun to be with him and catch up on life...he came to see AFPP the other evening and we re-connected...I am glad to have him back in my life...so glad.
Tonight: Mexican food with Miriam and Peter. Paul and Steven having a great time out on the West Coast. Lucky them. Though it is a gorgeous Spring day here. I feel free.
And so much to do and think about. Always. Must begin reading Sharon Salzberg's books in preparation for a weekend I will be spending in her presence at the end of May. A buddhist retreat. In the Catskills. Can hardly wait.

...was this morning, and it was so good...I rewarded all their hard work by alowing them to work on two-person scenes fort heir final presentations, and I was rewarded in turn by some lovely scene work. I will miss this particular group. Unique in their personalities and talents. Fun and open to change. A sweet set of sophomores. I hope to remain friends with as many as possible. And some have already signed up for whatever class i am teaching in the Fall. Another Song Analysis, I think.

Jenna D. brought me a gorgeous bunch of pink tulips...goegeous ...and at the end of class Katherine B. presented me with a large bouquet of yellow roses, with a card signed by the entire class. Very lovely. Two dozen, I think. Bright yellow. So sweet of them to do that. I trned in final grades and left the neighborhood to come home and catch up on much needed sleep for my show tonight. Except for meeting Bill W. for lunch, I may not see that area of town until the Fall.

Gorgeous day. Washington Square Park is coming alive with food vendors and doggie walking people. Paul and Steve have landed in San Francisco, where they will exploring for the next several weeks. They will be back to NYC just before A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE closes on the 21st of this month.

Cousin Miriam is in town...with her daughter Charla...saw the show the other night with my niece Rachel and her pal Allison...they loved the show. I knew they would...am so glad they did. From what I hear rave reviews keep coming in from various on-line sites...this is making our writers happy. I have not been in on the New York "scene" in a long time, having been away at Barter, but what I am learning about indutry "rivals" and personal "agendas" of the various critics, is interesting. Not particularly surprising ...and for that matter, not that interesting either, but it is good to be reminded that people will do anything they can to put themselves above others. It is simply human. And aren't we all?