Chance = Change

........okay, so Life (with a capital "L") , compared to so many things throughout its course, does certainly feel like a long and mysterious little curvy path, filled with arcs you can't see around....what if an enormous truck is coming to smash you? What if the road falls away and all that remains is a drop down thousands of scary feet? What if two roads did indeed split in a yellow wood and , no matter how sorry you are that you cannot travel both, you take the wrong one?

On our way back from Abingdon last weekend, we were stuck in a three hour traffic jam due to the head on deathly collision of two enormous trucks....those guys had no idea, when they started their day that they would not see the end of it safe and sound. None of us, (this is too too corny) none of us knows what the next minute holds, not to mention they days filled with the consequences of our choices.

While we were in Abingdon, I received a phone call from the darling little woman who got me involved with her aged drama club at the Village at 46th and 10th.....Ruth Selman called to tell me of the passing of her dear husband Jerry, after a long while of suffering from leg injuries sustained in WWII...we all knew Jerry was unwell and on his way to a more peaceful place, but hearing her sweet voice, her kind, intelligent voice, on my cell phone with the dire message totally did me in: I lay on the gorgeous California King bed at The Copper Lantern and sobbed and sobbed. The morning after our return home, I attended Jerry's memorial service, which was one of the most touching, personal. heartfelt and emotional things I have ever been to in my life. Matty, his son, is a gifted playwright and wrote a eulogy that is classic and brilliant, from the point of view of a little boy looking for his Dad, who seems to have sadly gone from the scene..I thought I would faint from a broken heart hearing Matty read it....and Ruth spoke bravely and well, as she always does, about the long journey she has taken with her husband and that will continue , side by side, soon. An amazing amazing woman.

And here we are, with a bit of Fall finally in the air, on the verge of making decisions, Peter and I, that will emotionally impact people close to us....and I find myself unable to sleep at night, I am so troubled by what may be wonderful change indeed...but, still, I am frightened. And I am not even sure why I am, no matter how hard to try to meditate and contemplate on it....writing does help. And so, dear readers, I write for you of my confusion. And I will give more details soon, when I feel i can do so. No emergencies or sadnesses...all good things...but what feels, for some reason or other, like a substantial seachange.....a shift in self perception brought on by personal choice. An owning up. A clarifying. An admittance. Of so many things.

If you live your life with the sort of integrity that is desired, you finally cannot hide from certain truths for too long. Certainly there are varied ways to interpret "facts" of one's life, but to not consider all interpretations is a short changing of possibility. To look only on "the bright side", to hide from the darker possibilities...to admit weakness and failure...well...one has to see and see and see some more...see it all...because, after all, it is the entire thing that is one's life...not just the "good" parts. And as Arthur Miller writes in AFTER THE FALL (his character Holga has always spoken to me): "One must finally take one's life in one's arms"....no matter how broken a thing it seems, if one can hold whatever in it is one's own....I paraphrase...but the gist is: own it all, and maybe then you can sleep.

So it seems that one must own the entire journey - even the path NOT taken - as if it all matters - or does not matter - equally. Regret nothing. Celebrate all.

Even the road not taken. Perhaps especially that one.

The above title- GLORIES AND SO FORTH - is meant to somehow encapsulate the past few days of travel, discovery, experience and life....it has been a full several days.

First of all, let me say this: The Barter Theatre, in Abingdon,Virginia, remains one of the truly terrific theaters in this country. No question about it, the level of production, acting, direction and play development is a treasure in the crown of the Southern United States, but more to the point, it is unique and powerful in the arts scene of this entire nation. There is a commitment and a quiet, hard-working passion underneath the skin of that particular community that makes walking inside the theaters' doors an actual part of that larger whole: Abingdon. It has been that way for almost 75 years now, and when that particular anniversary comes around next year, the town will have something wonderful to celebrate. Peter and i were so glad to be there for the few days we could manage to spend.....much to tell about that trip.

I had to mention the Barter first because, after all, that is our primary and loving connection that ties us to the place itself. But running close are our friendships there. We were invited by the inestimable Ann and Chris Johnson, owners of a luxe B and B called The Copper Lantern: stay there if you can! But more to the point , they have become valued and dear friends ever since we met them during our time in Abingdon. We even experienced Scotland in the dead of an icy January together! And played cards for intoxicated hours on a British Rails club car....we are friends fast and true...and of course our dearest: Rick and Amanda Rose....so many adventures shared...Disney World included....many shows together, opportunities for growth shared...collaborations...true collaborations. And we were practically glued to their hospitable sides over the last few days....our friends are very loving..And we love them in return. When you are part of the Barter community, the work demands are so intense, unremitting commitment to producing good theater demands such - that you forget you are building valuable relationships along with it. So, this past weekend was all about that part of it.

more on this and other things soon.....so much to tell you all....xx

So what happened was: though I had several callback auditions for it months ago, they booked another actress (and a wonderful one too) in the role of "Matryona" in THE POWER OF DARKNESS at the estimable Mint Theatre...i was fine with it because I did enjoy my audition process for it so much, and my life was already quite busy and fulfilling I forgot all about it....until a couple of weeks ago when Gary E. (my agent) called to tell me that the producers wanted to know if they extended the limited run of the show would I be interested in stepping in to that role since the actress they'd cast could not do the proposed extension. No money, really, and none of the goodies attached to opening a serious play in the City...just good hard work with good actors in a good show for a very brief time....i hemmed and hawed about the idea, then agreed to see the show on a nice "comp" they set aside for me ...It was, as expected, very wonderful (The Mint does terrific work)and i was tremendously moved by it. Lured by the prospect of working with these swell actors, i told Gary to accept the idea on my behalf. Given the complexity of the piece and the tremendous amount of work it would take to replace any of the actors in it, I mostly believed the extension would not happen, and accepted the offer mostly to show respect for the work they'd done. Well, I thought I was safe when I did not hear back from The Mint for over a week. And I was glad because I truly was not sure the sort of work that I needed to do on the role of "Matryona" could be done in two weeks worth of rehearsal with a stage manager....THEN...Gary called Monday late and told me the game was on, and I needed to pick up a script as soon as possible...I'd open on the 30th....!!!

ACTORS' NIGHTMARE! Honestly, the minute I opened the enormous (and I do mean enormous) script (the show runs 3 full hours!), panic set in. True, deep, chilling panic. I knew,as I hurriedly applied my best memorization skills to the task last night, I KNEW
I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO MEMORIZE ALL THOSE LINES IN THE TIME GIVEN ME ...Matryona has enormous chunks of talking, page after page after page...a thing I would normally relish and attack with joy and enthusiasm...but i saw a hill far too steep to climb with every page i turned....it is not normal for an actor to be glad NOT to see her character's name on a page...and I began to beg for pages on which I did not have to appear.....and getting more tense and nauseous by the minute...i saw days of sheer misery ahead in which all I could do would be to stay glued to thousands of lines hoping to cram them into my head...i realized i learn my character's language a lot as I rehearse it...i memorize quickly, but not without a process that takes time....so...i slept not a single wink last night...not one wink of sleep...and early this morning I called my dear and darling agent....i told him my need...to get out of this promised commitment...he thoroughly understood...filled me with good cheer and honest support...and, like the wonderful agent he is, he took care of business on my behalf! I love Gary Epstein! More on this to come, but suffice it to say: I am so relieved.

I learned enormous things from this near miss...and I want to write about those things...but right now, I must go pack ,for we are departing for Abingdon tomorrow...! And I want to wear pretty things and celebrate the Fall in the beautiful mountains of Southwest Virginia! I can hardly wait to see everybody!

So for now: dosvedanya! (so long, in Russian!)

So...if we can can through the busy week that is coming up after today (so many students, so little time), then Thursday night we can drive away for our weekend in Abingdon! I can hardly wait to see that lovely place again....and to the right is a photo
of darling Peter and me as the Fezziwigs in Barter Theatre's Christmas Carol of several years ago, but it sort of represents how i feel inside about going back down to Virginia for the long weekend ahead: excited, anticipatory and ready to dress in funny clothing! (Just joking about that last part, though i do find myself thinking a lot about what to pack...i need to ask Ann J. what the climate is right now...it's fairly Summer up here in the Northeast!). I do look forward to hugging all our friends down there in that place we spent so many important days of our lives, Peter and I...we will also see some shows, and i look forward to that almost more than the hugging! Our puppies, by the way, are staying in the home-doggie-spa of their Aunts Janice and Sue, down on West 73rd, a place they have happily stayed before and there will be much cuddling all around. We know that all four of them enjoy being together (Cyrano, Sally, Janice and Sue) but still we are very very grateful that our friends are willing to watch the dogs for us, making our travel so much easier.

Speaking of travel: the Bair family arrived as predicted on Thursday, and i saw them happily settled into Steve and Paul's place down on 97th Street. All of us are tremendously grateful to Paul and Steve for being so generous with their lovely huge home, and Jeff Bair threatened to never move out, he loves that apartment so much. My lovely Goddaughter Evalyn is remarkably pretty, calm, quiet and shy, and her little sister Mary is too adorable to believe! It's my goddaughter who has my heart, of course, and I wish we'd had more time to get to know each other, but we will have one day. On this visit, they all have so any wedding commitments, so many old friends to spend time with, many of whom have never seen the kids at all...so of course i do understand. I'm just glad i could supply them all with a comfortable place to stay. They leave tomorrow. We may see them for a short time today. Yet to be determined. The wedding they came to be part of is actually today, so i imagine they are swamped with things to do. It was wonderful to see them all as their cab pulled up to the 97th Street door last Thursday.

I've much to do in the next few days, including writing a sestina for poetry class, which I wil have to email to the teacher, since peter and i are planning to drive away Thursday evening, so i will miss class. I am learning so much in that room.

Much to write about, since i have been seeing so many of my students in shows, etc, but no time right now....one day, a good blog session will enable me to catch up on a lot...for now, off I go to the world of the sestina and its complex line end schemes....by the way , go see ACROSS THE UNIVERSE...Julie Taymoor's film homage to the music of The Beatles...if you are anywhere near my generation with all its memories of that era, TAKE KLEENEX! It's a moist experience!.