Wednesday, May 10, 2006
"The Grey Soft Light of Early Spring....
....swathed the living room in a kind of morning hopefulness....after a good night's sleep, of course, anything felt possible, and she had just had a good night's sleep...her first in days..."
I cherish opening lines ...and closing lines as well...and titles...I am always looking for possible titles to that book I will write some day...so this morning I created an opening line for my day! it: "the grey soft light of early spring"...feels good when I say it out loud..
Two shows today....two more weeks of performances and this adventure will be over and done , at least for now...there is talk of doing the CD of this cast, since the voices are so good and a new song for the "Laura" character is now in the first act...but certain details have to be worked out, and maybe it will happen , maybe it will not....we shall see! If it does, then there will be two recordings of A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE out in the world with me on them as the inimitable "Klapper"...can the world stand this? Is it meant to be? Stay tuned.....! Meanwhile, we beaver away at the job, and the houses have been so wonderful to us....papered or not, discount tix or not, they have been warm and supportive and we can all tell they allow themselves to be genuinely moved by what we give them. It has been gratifying. And makes going to the theater every day (except Tuesday) fun.
I cannot help but feel that this particular show marks the end of my performing career....and I am not sure why I feel this way...but I do...and happily so. This is not something that makes me sad or upset..in fact, it feels like an unburdening...I have reached an age and an understanding that performing on a stage does not mean to me what it used to mean....i no longer need it the way i used to need it...and other things have more value to me now...and , whereas I respect the dynamic that exists between a performer and audience, and have always held audiences dear, I feel I have given all I can give to them now. There are people who have more to give than i have, and I want to help them give it....why should I take up the space or time that others can more importantly fill....I have had my say...let others have theirs....I will teach and direct them...help them...but then i want to be able to garden on the weekends...travel and see the oceans ofthe world! I do not want to spend my time in dark musty theaters any more...i have lived a resident life in such places....slept on the floors of dressing rooms between matinee and evening shows.....ordered in and eaten a cold meal before re-applying make-up ...tramped the stages one too many times in front of audiences who have had to be dragged into the theater to see something alive...seen one too many important projects disappear without a whimper because no one cared to help them survive... breathed in far too much backstage dust...I need to breathe the air of a clearer reality...so...
A photograph comes to mind....one that hangs on the wall of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleveland...it's a photo of BB King...a black and white shot...because none of the restaurants in the town he was playing would allow black people inside, performers like King had to cook their own meals backstage of whatever venue they were playing...and this photo is of BB King frying his own catfish over a small burner of some sort..he looked so tired... and there's Lucielle his famous guitar, standing right nearby while he wearily cooked his dinner...he looked so tired!...so sad...he gives all he can...and then is not allowed to join the world to nourish himself...but he kept playing for them all anyway....there is such dignity in the picture..and of course sadness...and I think about that photo so much sometimes..
Paul and Steve are on the West Coast and call me twice daily, at least, to describe the gorgeous beauty they are experiencing. Lately the calls just depress me. Because I wish i could see the ocean right now too...feel the sun and the breezes...smell clean salty air...allow my body to experience what my mind and soul are experiencing as I read more and more Buddhist literature...there is place they visited called the Green Gulch Ranch, a Zen place, that fed their souls deeply..i want to go there...they have sent us photos of it...too beautiful to seem even real...but there it is...do i feel like escaping? Probably, for a while...But the more i read, the more i realize it's not escaping from something, it's releasing into something else...something more beautiful, purer and more real than anything i thought I ever knew until now...and it has to do with love and the ability to genuinely give something back into a world that needs what I have to give...
I can state it no more clearly than that...I need to meditate and float out over an ocean in order to gain some perspective I may have never had before...and that my life in theater has never been able to contain...this is exciting to me.
I cherish opening lines ...and closing lines as well...and titles...I am always looking for possible titles to that book I will write some day...so this morning I created an opening line for my day! it: "the grey soft light of early spring"...feels good when I say it out loud..
Two shows today....two more weeks of performances and this adventure will be over and done , at least for now...there is talk of doing the CD of this cast, since the voices are so good and a new song for the "Laura" character is now in the first act...but certain details have to be worked out, and maybe it will happen , maybe it will not....we shall see! If it does, then there will be two recordings of A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE out in the world with me on them as the inimitable "Klapper"...can the world stand this? Is it meant to be? Stay tuned.....! Meanwhile, we beaver away at the job, and the houses have been so wonderful to us....papered or not, discount tix or not, they have been warm and supportive and we can all tell they allow themselves to be genuinely moved by what we give them. It has been gratifying. And makes going to the theater every day (except Tuesday) fun.
I cannot help but feel that this particular show marks the end of my performing career....and I am not sure why I feel this way...but I do...and happily so. This is not something that makes me sad or upset..in fact, it feels like an unburdening...I have reached an age and an understanding that performing on a stage does not mean to me what it used to mean....i no longer need it the way i used to need it...and other things have more value to me now...and , whereas I respect the dynamic that exists between a performer and audience, and have always held audiences dear, I feel I have given all I can give to them now. There are people who have more to give than i have, and I want to help them give it....why should I take up the space or time that others can more importantly fill....I have had my say...let others have theirs....I will teach and direct them...help them...but then i want to be able to garden on the weekends...travel and see the oceans ofthe world! I do not want to spend my time in dark musty theaters any more...i have lived a resident life in such places....slept on the floors of dressing rooms between matinee and evening shows.....ordered in and eaten a cold meal before re-applying make-up ...tramped the stages one too many times in front of audiences who have had to be dragged into the theater to see something alive...seen one too many important projects disappear without a whimper because no one cared to help them survive... breathed in far too much backstage dust...I need to breathe the air of a clearer reality...so...
A photograph comes to mind....one that hangs on the wall of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleveland...it's a photo of BB King...a black and white shot...because none of the restaurants in the town he was playing would allow black people inside, performers like King had to cook their own meals backstage of whatever venue they were playing...and this photo is of BB King frying his own catfish over a small burner of some sort..he looked so tired... and there's Lucielle his famous guitar, standing right nearby while he wearily cooked his dinner...he looked so tired!...so sad...he gives all he can...and then is not allowed to join the world to nourish himself...but he kept playing for them all anyway....there is such dignity in the picture..and of course sadness...and I think about that photo so much sometimes..
Paul and Steve are on the West Coast and call me twice daily, at least, to describe the gorgeous beauty they are experiencing. Lately the calls just depress me. Because I wish i could see the ocean right now too...feel the sun and the breezes...smell clean salty air...allow my body to experience what my mind and soul are experiencing as I read more and more Buddhist literature...there is place they visited called the Green Gulch Ranch, a Zen place, that fed their souls deeply..i want to go there...they have sent us photos of it...too beautiful to seem even real...but there it is...do i feel like escaping? Probably, for a while...But the more i read, the more i realize it's not escaping from something, it's releasing into something else...something more beautiful, purer and more real than anything i thought I ever knew until now...and it has to do with love and the ability to genuinely give something back into a world that needs what I have to give...
I can state it no more clearly than that...I need to meditate and float out over an ocean in order to gain some perspective I may have never had before...and that my life in theater has never been able to contain...this is exciting to me.
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