Chance = Change

Disappearing on the West Coast : Tuesday, February 24, 2015 CYRANO





- YES! 2015! It's been over a year or so that I've posted on these pages.

The above pups are getting older and near their ends….frankly, as I have become more and more their mommie and their caretaker since moving to San Francisco, i will feel the loss of them acutely…like losing two arms at once…Peter of course will miss them, but they are my ONLYcurrent employment , EXCEPT FOR A BIT OF WRITING , and so i will be mostly out of a job once they depart for dog paradise…..yep…out of a job.

I am stunned to realize that I actually started this early blog way back in 2004 ( so many are bloggers now, for money, for fame, for notoriety , for popularity, for whatever - just to all!) and i realize i've written a whole lot in it….and some people have even read some of it….i've never tended to it much. Never gave it much thought.

Didn't seem all that important…but i underestimated the power of the phenomena…people WANT TO BE HEARD…and so…i guess i had better re-engage a bit…i may never get it to the pro level as so many have, though it might be amusing to try - but it is an outlet for my thoughts and feelings…and there seem to have been people through the years who cared about that or got something from it…..maybe that matters to me more than i have let myself know it lately, especially since I am no longer an actor and have given up the theatre as a way of life…

I KNOW, I KNOW…SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE, right?  EVALYN BARON GIVING UP THE THEATRE?  IMPOSSIBLE.

But it seems to have happened, and back four years ago, I'm sure I had my reasons, but now i wonder, and am left in a bereft state due to some decisions I made….dare i speak of those? I have to…i have to...

I read through the San Francisco years - from late 2010 til now in 2015 - and except for the Marina TIMES columns I somehow managed to get onto here, i speak very little of my life here…and thats probably because I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH A LIFE TO TALK ABOUT!!

I see on Face book all of my former theatre comrades are busy, employed in one Broadway show after another, one interesting project following on the heels of another….and i've not let jealousy or envy enter my thinking or my heartwell…maybe a teeny tiny bitn ow and then….a "wish I was there" thought…..but i am feeling vulnerable now.

I told very few people, but I had cancer - a minor case of endometrial cancer Stage 1 Grade 1,- four years ago, and it was taken care of completely in the course of 100 days of the summer of 2011….lucky i had it no worse…but unlucky because I've developed an anxiety disorder based on medical fears now, that innocence of thinking we live forever has been sloughed away with my hysterectomized utereus!   I now know: we all die and we NEVER know what 's going to get us or WHEN…so, yeah, we're all pretty much sitting ducks….right?

F'rinstance, I had my yearly PAP smear last Friday (today is Tuesday) and so WHERE ARE THE DAMNED RESULTS?  Do the doctors think I ENJOY sitting around agonizing over whether the results will be good or bad for my health?

Now i realize - I understand - most women may not have this kind of terror surrounding medical procedures or tests…when I was young and untouched by the exigencies of real life, i never gave a PAP smear a thought , neither did I give a Mammogram much weight in the doings of a normal day…they were just things you did, as a matter of course…..but NOW I KNOW: You take those exams, dive into those small procedures , no matter how reluctantly, to find SOMETHING BAD! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!   It's like bearding the dragon's den, knowing all along the chance of your getting scorched is high since, let's face it that's what dragon's do: they breathe fire!  And cancer lurks in breasts, in vaginas, in all body parts, waiting to be discovered: IT'S WHAT IT DOES!!!!!!! Na-na-na-na-na-na! Come find me! They taunt.

And i am a wreck because of it. An unmitigated disaster.

Gulping down tranquilizers like they are candy, my sense are dulled. I am floating through my life which, admittedly is not much of one right now, but i would like to be awake for how nothing it is.
And I am not awake; i am quasi awake, qualms uneasy, dry in the mouth, headachy and scared out of my sanity. SO THERE!


AH LIFE