Chance = Change

 I've never been much of a housewife, and it's true that I am not very good at most of the things that experienced housewives do well,  but the truth is I've always concentrated more on what I needed for me and for my career than I ever thought about doing things for others. At home or anywhere else for that matter.

But things seem different now, and with my staying home to write - and this is a dream come true, being able to stay home and write, rather than running out to auditions and radio bookings and rehearsals - with Peter going off every day to his office job so we can have some money coming into the family coffers- I not only see the value of doing our laundry, and of planning and cooking some healthy, wholesome meals made from good California vegetables and grains, but I actually feel pride in accomplishing it for us....it makes me feel good to contribute in this way. I've never had the time or energy to do this with such comfort and with such ease. Seems I was always running out the door to rehearse something or other, or audition for that next thing.  Running, always frantically running.

But this new way of life? I must say: I like it.  I feel as though so many people in my life have done so much for me - my two husbands especially have done so much to make my life a generous, comfortable life, filled with graciousness and caring - it's about time I did something for them, and these little household chores (including cooking for Paul  - and Stephen, who is a far better wife to Paul that I ever was) - make me happy because I see how happy it makes them.  It makes Peter's life a little bit easier if I get certain chores done, and...well...I like that. I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd say it: but I like doing housework!  I'm not in LOVE with it, but I like how it feels when I accomplish it! I like the results.

I feel like I've discovered an entire new way to be: actually doing stuff I've never enjoyed doing, realizing the difference it makes for others , and ending up liking and enjoying it more than I ever thought I could.

I'm not coming down on myself for the way I have been - totally self-centered in pushing my way toward a real career in theater, and making a success of it - no, I know I've done good for others in my way. I also know my theater work has made many people happy, and that my performing has lightened many a person's life at strategic times. I am proud of what I've done.  But oddly, I am even prouder now of the life we are making for ourselves here, and of how I am able to help make it work.  I like the almost meditative , service-oriented way I feel when I am schlepping a heavy load of laundry down to the laundry room, knowing it'll be a good part of my workout for the day, and getting those clothes clean. ...for US. I am enjoying that if I do it, Peter does not have to.  And I am glad for that.

Actually - to sum it up - people who have love me - and who still do - have done so much for me, throughout our entire lives together, I feel it is time I did something for them in return.

Laundry...cooking meals they enjoy....this is the least I can do...but for now: it's my best and most.

And I do it all with as much conscious love as I possibly can.  Conscious love.

Schlepp that dirty laundry: conscious love.  Heave it through the doors of the elevator: conscious love. Separate it: conscious love. Make that damned card work so the machines run right (why is that always so damned hard for me?): conscious love.  Peel those cucumbers: conscious love. Sauteé that tofu and roast those veggies: conscious love.  Cook that rice and simmer those lentils: conscious love. Rinse the dishes for the dishwasher: conscious.....you get the idea. It's a new practice I am getting used to. It makes me breathe easier. It makes me oddly happy.