Thursday, March 17, 2011
The Daily News
After Peter leaves for work at a mid-town San Francisco office, and I've walked the doggies to their private little place behind our building so they can do their morning thing, I pour my 2nd cup of strong Peet's coffee and sit down to my future. The future that I have begun to carve out for myself by moving to San Francisco.
When I was younger, and new to my first chosen hometown, New York CIty, my mornings were clear and open to another future, and, though the morning ritual was often the same - husband off to work, (but then it was to help struggling NYC theatrical non-profits survive) - doggies emptied - (but on the hard pavements of NYC ) - my energies were just as devoted, just as focused, and I felt the same anticipation and joy at being able to pursue my genuine dreams, in order to make them a reality. Then, my dream was to be a New York actress, to keep working in the theater - any theater that would have me - and to grow a career I could be proud to claim. I spent more than three decades on that dream, and, without bragging, I can say that I achieved what I set out to do. I earned a substantial living, and I lived a full life doing it: auditioning, getting cast in projects I wanted to be cast in, schlepping nightly to work in long-running Broadway shows, earning good money in TV and radio commercials, doing "interesting" work in various theaters in NYC and around the country, and even getting nominated for awards that recognized my particular talents, and finally teaching and directing shows I felt great pride in helping to develop. I did indeed fulfill that earlier-part-of-my-life dream, never imagining that I'd spend my life doing anything else or doing it anywhere else,for that matter.
Now I am in San Francisco, a city that , for years, my husband and I have wanted to live in, and I have set all things theatrical aside in order to dive into an entirely new dream: writing. But, as i look back through my 4 decades of journal keeping, I see it's not such a new dream after all, because phrases like "Gee, I wish I had more time to write about that!" , " If I didn't have to run off to rehearsal, I'd write more pages about this." , "One day, I 'm gonna sit down and really write all about this." and " I WISH I had more time to WRITE!" keep turning up month after month, year after year! So, I guess I am finally doing what I have wanted to do for a very long time.
I'm also beginning to see how the process of living is very much like the process of writing: when you start out, it may be with some idea or other that drives you forward, but you never really do know what's coming next, even if you think you do. The story as you planned it suddenly goes off in a totally other direction, as the true needs and desires of your main character (you) rise to the surface and make you decide otherwise....unexpected events shift the gears for you ....wants and needs and , yes, dreams, that may have been long buried suddenly assert themselves, and paths become open and clear that never seemed to even exist before....it's all an adventure and the best we can do is stay as open as possible to the possibilities that could bring us limitless joy. It's when we have done our pre-judging, our DECIDING that it should all be a certain prescribed way that we encounter disappointment and terror, because finally the control we think we have over Life is no control at all, but rather a sad illusion. And for those set in their ways, the yanking away of this illusion is a scary thing. All of a sudden, what do they do with their hands?
I say let the hands sculpt something. Let your voice , used to telling others how things should be - let that voice sing instead. Let your mind open. Sweep it clean. Ready it for new things to find their home there. Life is a metaphor anyway, nothing we think of as real actually is, but rather only our idea of what it is, and our opinions shape our lives, so...change them. Change your point of view on something you think is absolutely written in stone, and see what happens. If you listen to conservative news, try listening to the liberal side for a change. And, just for a lark, agree with it for a day...or at least try to....if you are a dyed-in-the-wool liberal, think like a Tea Party person for a day and see what they see...if you are homophobic, go kiss a person of the same sex! If you think you can't, then do it anyway!
Let yourself discover what might have been below your surface for as long as you can remember. And give it a chance to live in the sun. New dreams may emerge. New ways of living may result.
Truly, you just never know until you try. And it's not so easy to do this, since you are bound to go into the experiment already thinking it's wrong, and that you're right....but try...really try. It's only for a day. What harm can it do.....except to change your life forever?
And who knows: maybe your life has been asking for a change. And like a parent turning a deaf ear to a whining child, you've just not been listening.
When I was younger, and new to my first chosen hometown, New York CIty, my mornings were clear and open to another future, and, though the morning ritual was often the same - husband off to work, (but then it was to help struggling NYC theatrical non-profits survive) - doggies emptied - (but on the hard pavements of NYC ) - my energies were just as devoted, just as focused, and I felt the same anticipation and joy at being able to pursue my genuine dreams, in order to make them a reality. Then, my dream was to be a New York actress, to keep working in the theater - any theater that would have me - and to grow a career I could be proud to claim. I spent more than three decades on that dream, and, without bragging, I can say that I achieved what I set out to do. I earned a substantial living, and I lived a full life doing it: auditioning, getting cast in projects I wanted to be cast in, schlepping nightly to work in long-running Broadway shows, earning good money in TV and radio commercials, doing "interesting" work in various theaters in NYC and around the country, and even getting nominated for awards that recognized my particular talents, and finally teaching and directing shows I felt great pride in helping to develop. I did indeed fulfill that earlier-part-of-my-life dream, never imagining that I'd spend my life doing anything else or doing it anywhere else,for that matter.
Now I am in San Francisco, a city that , for years, my husband and I have wanted to live in, and I have set all things theatrical aside in order to dive into an entirely new dream: writing. But, as i look back through my 4 decades of journal keeping, I see it's not such a new dream after all, because phrases like "Gee, I wish I had more time to write about that!" , " If I didn't have to run off to rehearsal, I'd write more pages about this." , "One day, I 'm gonna sit down and really write all about this." and " I WISH I had more time to WRITE!" keep turning up month after month, year after year! So, I guess I am finally doing what I have wanted to do for a very long time.
I'm also beginning to see how the process of living is very much like the process of writing: when you start out, it may be with some idea or other that drives you forward, but you never really do know what's coming next, even if you think you do. The story as you planned it suddenly goes off in a totally other direction, as the true needs and desires of your main character (you) rise to the surface and make you decide otherwise....unexpected events shift the gears for you ....wants and needs and , yes, dreams, that may have been long buried suddenly assert themselves, and paths become open and clear that never seemed to even exist before....it's all an adventure and the best we can do is stay as open as possible to the possibilities that could bring us limitless joy. It's when we have done our pre-judging, our DECIDING that it should all be a certain prescribed way that we encounter disappointment and terror, because finally the control we think we have over Life is no control at all, but rather a sad illusion. And for those set in their ways, the yanking away of this illusion is a scary thing. All of a sudden, what do they do with their hands?
I say let the hands sculpt something. Let your voice , used to telling others how things should be - let that voice sing instead. Let your mind open. Sweep it clean. Ready it for new things to find their home there. Life is a metaphor anyway, nothing we think of as real actually is, but rather only our idea of what it is, and our opinions shape our lives, so...change them. Change your point of view on something you think is absolutely written in stone, and see what happens. If you listen to conservative news, try listening to the liberal side for a change. And, just for a lark, agree with it for a day...or at least try to....if you are a dyed-in-the-wool liberal, think like a Tea Party person for a day and see what they see...if you are homophobic, go kiss a person of the same sex! If you think you can't, then do it anyway!
Let yourself discover what might have been below your surface for as long as you can remember. And give it a chance to live in the sun. New dreams may emerge. New ways of living may result.
Truly, you just never know until you try. And it's not so easy to do this, since you are bound to go into the experiment already thinking it's wrong, and that you're right....but try...really try. It's only for a day. What harm can it do.....except to change your life forever?
And who knows: maybe your life has been asking for a change. And like a parent turning a deaf ear to a whining child, you've just not been listening.
Labels: SF Writing
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