Friday, December 03, 2010
Saving Sanity: Action's Loud Voice
This morning, how clear it is: this move to San Francisco is saving my sanity.
The very fact that Peter and I can sit in a room - like this morning - with our closest and dearest family of friends and talk about the things in life that matter, that make the truest sense, that delve deeply into what's underneath all we do, examining, inquiring: this alone is an element that has been missing from my daily existence for too long. And this morning's conversation was like breathing fresh air. So grateful. My ex-husband, Paul, who has remained such a dear and valued friend, has such a subtle mind, capable of grasping so many of the detailed intricate ways we humans behave, and his years' - long study of Buddhist teachings has prepared him to inquire deeply, marvelously. One of the reasons I've missed being near him so much is that i have missed conversations with him on subjects wide-ranging. And now we are here...and now we can have those conversations daily. This is, as I said, like breathing again.
**********************************************************************************
I wrote the above a couple of days ago, and then we decided to sleep at our new apartment, instead of staying another night at Paul and Stephen's and i was lost to the Internet for a day or two. But this morning, Zack from Comcast came and easily re-connected us, and now I can write from the comfortable perch Peter and I have established here in our new bedroom, overlooking Lombard Street:
we took the old, charming table he used to use as his desk and have made it our joint worktable, with ample room for him at one end and me at the other, and daylight pours in to bathe our efforts in energy from the street below! It's perfect.
Referring back to the title of this entry, I want to say this: important conversations with respected friends, having a safe and secure place from which to contemplate and work, light pouring in from outside: these are elements of a sane life, a life that has time in it to contemplate, space in it to sort out, love in it to soothe fear and doubt...by taking the brave action to move here to this strange, new and wondrous city, Peter and I took ACTION, but it was hardly an action we could NOT have taken. Why? Because the particular voice of this action was insistent and loud for both of us for several years now, and to ignore it became impossible. Why does that happen? How is that some decisions are so clear and easy to make, because the voice of the action needing to be taken is so clear and audible? And why is it that others vaguely hear the call of their desire, and do nothing about it?
It has something to do with the recognition of the need for the sanity entitled above.
There is a teaching in Buddhism that most people live in a deluded state of insanity...that what we think we see and know are not at all the truth, but rather our representations of what we think are truths: the table we see is our concept of a table , not the truth of the table itself (infinite numbers of atoms whizzing around to form what we name "table"),etc...and that if we do that with physical objects, we do it even more with emotional, psychological, and spiritual "objects" too...that we live our daily lives in a total state of self-convincing creation and delusion. This, the wise Buddhist teachers call living in constant "insanity"....lies we need , or think we need, to survive...but insane because they are lies. And we spend tremendous amounts of personal energy and strength keeping up the appearance of these lies
because it takes far more work to keep a flawed structure standing than it takes to recognize and allow a healthy one...and so , our lives exhaust us....we can be what we call happy, successful, doing what we believe we wish to be doing with our lives, and it can still exhaust us because we are so darned busy keeping up that appearance of all-right-ness and sanity, when really, the entire center of it all is...well..chaos and fear. To choose to live one's life like that, once you know there is more to seek and find that is sane and consistent with your truth, is indeed an act of insanity.
And, as there are seasons to a person's life, where different things "bloom" at different times, the season finally, (gratefully), arrived in my life where going deeper down into what motivates and "grows" me became more important than continuing to do what i have habitually been doing for most of it. And so, the action to sanity: the drive across country to a place that resonates with where my soul is going anyway: a culture of introspection, caring and universality...inclusion, opening, enlarging the view.
And so: here we are.
The days flow magically, and, aside from missing certain people back in Virginia, it's like being on a true "retreat" in the spiritual sense: all that matters is our well being, our balance, our observation of the daily-ness of living, like the Japanese Tea Ceremony I've been reading about (but more on that delight later).
We've much to do, but resting, restoring, getting balanced and healthy again: that's what this time is for.
Only then can both Peter and I be ready and fully able to truly contribute to the lives of others again.
This rare good time is for us, in every best sense. Learning to accept and appreciate it is my most difficult job at present, but I am optimistic. I have always been a quick study.
The very fact that Peter and I can sit in a room - like this morning - with our closest and dearest family of friends and talk about the things in life that matter, that make the truest sense, that delve deeply into what's underneath all we do, examining, inquiring: this alone is an element that has been missing from my daily existence for too long. And this morning's conversation was like breathing fresh air. So grateful. My ex-husband, Paul, who has remained such a dear and valued friend, has such a subtle mind, capable of grasping so many of the detailed intricate ways we humans behave, and his years' - long study of Buddhist teachings has prepared him to inquire deeply, marvelously. One of the reasons I've missed being near him so much is that i have missed conversations with him on subjects wide-ranging. And now we are here...and now we can have those conversations daily. This is, as I said, like breathing again.
**********************************************************************************
I wrote the above a couple of days ago, and then we decided to sleep at our new apartment, instead of staying another night at Paul and Stephen's and i was lost to the Internet for a day or two. But this morning, Zack from Comcast came and easily re-connected us, and now I can write from the comfortable perch Peter and I have established here in our new bedroom, overlooking Lombard Street:
we took the old, charming table he used to use as his desk and have made it our joint worktable, with ample room for him at one end and me at the other, and daylight pours in to bathe our efforts in energy from the street below! It's perfect.
Referring back to the title of this entry, I want to say this: important conversations with respected friends, having a safe and secure place from which to contemplate and work, light pouring in from outside: these are elements of a sane life, a life that has time in it to contemplate, space in it to sort out, love in it to soothe fear and doubt...by taking the brave action to move here to this strange, new and wondrous city, Peter and I took ACTION, but it was hardly an action we could NOT have taken. Why? Because the particular voice of this action was insistent and loud for both of us for several years now, and to ignore it became impossible. Why does that happen? How is that some decisions are so clear and easy to make, because the voice of the action needing to be taken is so clear and audible? And why is it that others vaguely hear the call of their desire, and do nothing about it?
It has something to do with the recognition of the need for the sanity entitled above.
There is a teaching in Buddhism that most people live in a deluded state of insanity...that what we think we see and know are not at all the truth, but rather our representations of what we think are truths: the table we see is our concept of a table , not the truth of the table itself (infinite numbers of atoms whizzing around to form what we name "table"),etc...and that if we do that with physical objects, we do it even more with emotional, psychological, and spiritual "objects" too...that we live our daily lives in a total state of self-convincing creation and delusion. This, the wise Buddhist teachers call living in constant "insanity"....lies we need , or think we need, to survive...but insane because they are lies. And we spend tremendous amounts of personal energy and strength keeping up the appearance of these lies
because it takes far more work to keep a flawed structure standing than it takes to recognize and allow a healthy one...and so , our lives exhaust us....we can be what we call happy, successful, doing what we believe we wish to be doing with our lives, and it can still exhaust us because we are so darned busy keeping up that appearance of all-right-ness and sanity, when really, the entire center of it all is...well..chaos and fear. To choose to live one's life like that, once you know there is more to seek and find that is sane and consistent with your truth, is indeed an act of insanity.
And, as there are seasons to a person's life, where different things "bloom" at different times, the season finally, (gratefully), arrived in my life where going deeper down into what motivates and "grows" me became more important than continuing to do what i have habitually been doing for most of it. And so, the action to sanity: the drive across country to a place that resonates with where my soul is going anyway: a culture of introspection, caring and universality...inclusion, opening, enlarging the view.
And so: here we are.
The days flow magically, and, aside from missing certain people back in Virginia, it's like being on a true "retreat" in the spiritual sense: all that matters is our well being, our balance, our observation of the daily-ness of living, like the Japanese Tea Ceremony I've been reading about (but more on that delight later).
We've much to do, but resting, restoring, getting balanced and healthy again: that's what this time is for.
Only then can both Peter and I be ready and fully able to truly contribute to the lives of others again.
This rare good time is for us, in every best sense. Learning to accept and appreciate it is my most difficult job at present, but I am optimistic. I have always been a quick study.
Labels: San Francisco Thoughts
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