Monday, October 11, 2010
How To DO IT?
These bodies of ours are such insignificant, frail, toss-away things: thin shells containing greatness ( or so we choose to believe)....brittle protective coatings that mostly manage to contain our fears...and I wake up thinking about the temporary nature of it all...a lot, lately. Probably, this enormous move we have chosen to make to our new West Coast home is the thing that is generating all these thoughts of vulnerability and tenderness...change tends to do that...at least change observable from our sadly insufficient human perspective (because genuine change is happening every moment we breathe)...we think we have made this large decision that matters so much, but truly: Life lives us, doesn't it?
Then, after the thoughts of mortality and transition come the thoughts (at least in my waking wanderings) that tell me I am not capable of this new step...that there is too much to do, too many things to sort, toss, keep, pack, prepare, clean up....too little of what i need in any form to help me feel good about it all...too much overwhelm....this is an old "racket" of mine, that I am not enough, that I cannot do it alone, that I need help from certain stronger others, that I CANNOT....this is an old game I play, probably to get the help I think I need, so I will not feel so alone in the dark of change....so I can feel a hand holding mine through the darkness of this leap off the cliff that lies straight ahead.
And then, I have a cup of coffee (should I pack the $18.00 red coffee maker I bought at the local K-Mart...or do I toss it, leave it for the next house tenant, and buy a snazzy new San Francisco coffee maker? I opt for the snazzy, new, sleek, smaller and somehow better SF purchase that lies ahead...hell! So many new things lie ahead, why not add a new coffee maker to the list? Then, despite the cheering effects of the strong hot coffee, more thoughts rush in: good god! the kitchen! so much to think about in the kitchen alone...what to keep, what to toss? What to pack, and how to pack it...etc...AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Small hills of challenge become enormous mountains of impossibility, in these useless thoughts of mine. And this is before I brush my teeth or change into clothing other than my nightgown!
But then, one day, after we have settled into our sunny new San Francisco home, these cross-country moving terrors will fade so fast into the farthest reaches of memory that I will forget I ever had them at all, and new knots will present themselves to be untied. Every day a little confrontation with what we have come to call "life's realities"...we create our own track meet every day...erect our very own obstacles...probably so we can feel like we've achieved a "win" of some sort every day. We write the songs that make our own worlds sing.
And so, I take this day off from my staff duties at the theatre, and treat myself like a regular old actor in the company (Mondays are the actors days off, and Mondays only), but cannot quite let go of the thought that I should be at my desk....nonetheless, I will deal with my HOME desk instead...pack what I need from that one...and struggle with the worries that will inevitably come again and again into my capable, but highly sway-able and impressionable brain....my one saving thought? I WILL GET THIS PART OF IT DONE....I CAN and HAVE DONE SO IN THE PAST, and yes, therefore, I CAN DO THIS! I can, I can, I can....like that Little Engine, i will continue to puff away, up the hill. ....up the hill, until I see that Golden Bay staring me right back in the eyes!
Then, after the thoughts of mortality and transition come the thoughts (at least in my waking wanderings) that tell me I am not capable of this new step...that there is too much to do, too many things to sort, toss, keep, pack, prepare, clean up....too little of what i need in any form to help me feel good about it all...too much overwhelm....this is an old "racket" of mine, that I am not enough, that I cannot do it alone, that I need help from certain stronger others, that I CANNOT....this is an old game I play, probably to get the help I think I need, so I will not feel so alone in the dark of change....so I can feel a hand holding mine through the darkness of this leap off the cliff that lies straight ahead.
And then, I have a cup of coffee (should I pack the $18.00 red coffee maker I bought at the local K-Mart...or do I toss it, leave it for the next house tenant, and buy a snazzy new San Francisco coffee maker? I opt for the snazzy, new, sleek, smaller and somehow better SF purchase that lies ahead...hell! So many new things lie ahead, why not add a new coffee maker to the list? Then, despite the cheering effects of the strong hot coffee, more thoughts rush in: good god! the kitchen! so much to think about in the kitchen alone...what to keep, what to toss? What to pack, and how to pack it...etc...AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Small hills of challenge become enormous mountains of impossibility, in these useless thoughts of mine. And this is before I brush my teeth or change into clothing other than my nightgown!
But then, one day, after we have settled into our sunny new San Francisco home, these cross-country moving terrors will fade so fast into the farthest reaches of memory that I will forget I ever had them at all, and new knots will present themselves to be untied. Every day a little confrontation with what we have come to call "life's realities"...we create our own track meet every day...erect our very own obstacles...probably so we can feel like we've achieved a "win" of some sort every day. We write the songs that make our own worlds sing.
And so, I take this day off from my staff duties at the theatre, and treat myself like a regular old actor in the company (Mondays are the actors days off, and Mondays only), but cannot quite let go of the thought that I should be at my desk....nonetheless, I will deal with my HOME desk instead...pack what I need from that one...and struggle with the worries that will inevitably come again and again into my capable, but highly sway-able and impressionable brain....my one saving thought? I WILL GET THIS PART OF IT DONE....I CAN and HAVE DONE SO IN THE PAST, and yes, therefore, I CAN DO THIS! I can, I can, I can....like that Little Engine, i will continue to puff away, up the hill. ....up the hill, until I see that Golden Bay staring me right back in the eyes!
Labels: San Francisco move
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