Thursday, September 10, 2009
Destiny
Do we make our own? Or are we meant to follow it?
That's the question for today, as I groggily awake to a 2nd day of tech rehearsals for LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORs . ....as I contemplate a life spent in theater (mine)...as i look out at a lovely mountain morning and wish I could spend a random, relaxed day in it...as I realize there is a larger world out there for me to experience, larger than the narrow ,focused one I've spent most of my life striving in.
Yes, I know a job's a job...and that's why they call it "job" and not "vacation"...a job is work...at times distasteful or burdensome work one would rather not be doing....(a friend tells me he always wishes he could simply sleep through tech weeks of the shows he directs, and wake up on the other side)...and finally, as always, shows do come together (as is often quoted in SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE: " It's a mystery!").
But I am real interested right now - at this particular time in my life - real interested in where I am supposed to go next with my energies and my creativity....I've been given wonderful opportunities here to do many things that interest me, and many things that I know serve others in the ways i like to serve others.I doubt that I will be given these chances anywhere else in such amplitude and breadth...so why do i feel like sitting...simply sitting....and looking out over vast horizons with nothing in sight to do except think and look some more? Is it a deeper spiritual life calling me? Am I meant to take this time in my life and go deeper into Life's mysteries in a more direct way? AM I supposed to write more?
I know, I know...i can do whatever I want to do, because I've a life (a blessed one, really) that affords me choice. And I am capable of choice. Maybe it's time for me to learn and put into action my real strengths...strengths I've not allowed myself to acknowledge or utilize: stating my beliefs , believing in my years of experience, and simply saying what i want to others who seem to be in control...oddly , I know they re not....but my awareness, my willingness to step up on my own behalf is something i am realizing with a certain degree of amusement and wryness: I see myself be the little girl I have been all my life...and I know now she is a strong capable person who needs protection no longer....she's even gone past the feisty, need-to-fight-back stage....the little girl within me can afford to be generous and magnanimous...she has gained equanimity. Though she still wants to stick her leg out and trip others sometimes...throw pies in a few faces....gosh , I sure am rambling this morning...
ANYWAY: I want a beach and I want it soon...water to smell and look out over...beauty, not stale dust...sun, not harsh lighting...peace, not tension. I want to hear my heartbeat, not the tense rumblings of an acidic stomach. I want something that makes sense to me, not something that is an habitual set of well worn actions. My Destiny? I feel on the verge of it. So, as so often before in this eventful life I've lived this time 'round, who else is going to step off that cliff but me? No one is going to push me (well, it doesn't seem that way right now anyway)...so, come on you big size 10 feet you! Take that step.
That's the question for today, as I groggily awake to a 2nd day of tech rehearsals for LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORs . ....as I contemplate a life spent in theater (mine)...as i look out at a lovely mountain morning and wish I could spend a random, relaxed day in it...as I realize there is a larger world out there for me to experience, larger than the narrow ,focused one I've spent most of my life striving in.
Yes, I know a job's a job...and that's why they call it "job" and not "vacation"...a job is work...at times distasteful or burdensome work one would rather not be doing....(a friend tells me he always wishes he could simply sleep through tech weeks of the shows he directs, and wake up on the other side)...and finally, as always, shows do come together (as is often quoted in SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE: " It's a mystery!").
But I am real interested right now - at this particular time in my life - real interested in where I am supposed to go next with my energies and my creativity....I've been given wonderful opportunities here to do many things that interest me, and many things that I know serve others in the ways i like to serve others.I doubt that I will be given these chances anywhere else in such amplitude and breadth...so why do i feel like sitting...simply sitting....and looking out over vast horizons with nothing in sight to do except think and look some more? Is it a deeper spiritual life calling me? Am I meant to take this time in my life and go deeper into Life's mysteries in a more direct way? AM I supposed to write more?
I know, I know...i can do whatever I want to do, because I've a life (a blessed one, really) that affords me choice. And I am capable of choice. Maybe it's time for me to learn and put into action my real strengths...strengths I've not allowed myself to acknowledge or utilize: stating my beliefs , believing in my years of experience, and simply saying what i want to others who seem to be in control...oddly , I know they re not....but my awareness, my willingness to step up on my own behalf is something i am realizing with a certain degree of amusement and wryness: I see myself be the little girl I have been all my life...and I know now she is a strong capable person who needs protection no longer....she's even gone past the feisty, need-to-fight-back stage....the little girl within me can afford to be generous and magnanimous...she has gained equanimity. Though she still wants to stick her leg out and trip others sometimes...throw pies in a few faces....gosh , I sure am rambling this morning...
ANYWAY: I want a beach and I want it soon...water to smell and look out over...beauty, not stale dust...sun, not harsh lighting...peace, not tension. I want to hear my heartbeat, not the tense rumblings of an acidic stomach. I want something that makes sense to me, not something that is an habitual set of well worn actions. My Destiny? I feel on the verge of it. So, as so often before in this eventful life I've lived this time 'round, who else is going to step off that cliff but me? No one is going to push me (well, it doesn't seem that way right now anyway)...so, come on you big size 10 feet you! Take that step.
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