Chance = Change

........okay, so Life (with a capital "L") , compared to so many things throughout its course, does certainly feel like a long and mysterious little curvy path, filled with arcs you can't see around....what if an enormous truck is coming to smash you? What if the road falls away and all that remains is a drop down thousands of scary feet? What if two roads did indeed split in a yellow wood and , no matter how sorry you are that you cannot travel both, you take the wrong one?

On our way back from Abingdon last weekend, we were stuck in a three hour traffic jam due to the head on deathly collision of two enormous trucks....those guys had no idea, when they started their day that they would not see the end of it safe and sound. None of us, (this is too too corny) none of us knows what the next minute holds, not to mention they days filled with the consequences of our choices.

While we were in Abingdon, I received a phone call from the darling little woman who got me involved with her aged drama club at the Village at 46th and 10th.....Ruth Selman called to tell me of the passing of her dear husband Jerry, after a long while of suffering from leg injuries sustained in WWII...we all knew Jerry was unwell and on his way to a more peaceful place, but hearing her sweet voice, her kind, intelligent voice, on my cell phone with the dire message totally did me in: I lay on the gorgeous California King bed at The Copper Lantern and sobbed and sobbed. The morning after our return home, I attended Jerry's memorial service, which was one of the most touching, personal. heartfelt and emotional things I have ever been to in my life. Matty, his son, is a gifted playwright and wrote a eulogy that is classic and brilliant, from the point of view of a little boy looking for his Dad, who seems to have sadly gone from the scene..I thought I would faint from a broken heart hearing Matty read it....and Ruth spoke bravely and well, as she always does, about the long journey she has taken with her husband and that will continue , side by side, soon. An amazing amazing woman.

And here we are, with a bit of Fall finally in the air, on the verge of making decisions, Peter and I, that will emotionally impact people close to us....and I find myself unable to sleep at night, I am so troubled by what may be wonderful change indeed...but, still, I am frightened. And I am not even sure why I am, no matter how hard to try to meditate and contemplate on it....writing does help. And so, dear readers, I write for you of my confusion. And I will give more details soon, when I feel i can do so. No emergencies or sadnesses...all good things...but what feels, for some reason or other, like a substantial seachange.....a shift in self perception brought on by personal choice. An owning up. A clarifying. An admittance. Of so many things.

If you live your life with the sort of integrity that is desired, you finally cannot hide from certain truths for too long. Certainly there are varied ways to interpret "facts" of one's life, but to not consider all interpretations is a short changing of possibility. To look only on "the bright side", to hide from the darker possibilities...to admit weakness and failure...well...one has to see and see and see some more...see it all...because, after all, it is the entire thing that is one's life...not just the "good" parts. And as Arthur Miller writes in AFTER THE FALL (his character Holga has always spoken to me): "One must finally take one's life in one's arms"....no matter how broken a thing it seems, if one can hold whatever in it is one's own....I paraphrase...but the gist is: own it all, and maybe then you can sleep.

So it seems that one must own the entire journey - even the path NOT taken - as if it all matters - or does not matter - equally. Regret nothing. Celebrate all.

Even the road not taken. Perhaps especially that one.