Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Overwhelmed
I was watching a silly tv show about the industry of beauty pageants for the very young girls whose mothers dress them up like little dolls and make them prance about and assume sexy poses in bathing suits and sophisticated poses in little tiny ball gowns....hair out to here, and thick layers of make-up covering delicate skin, huge eyelashes reaching out into a world the children know nothing about...mothers fulfilling their own senseless lack of self-knowledge by making their little girls pretend to be grown women....and , in one shot, after winning the bathing suit competition (this accomplished little child named Kynnedy had all the moves down, exhibiting an innocent knowledge of the allure of the curved small of the back...she knew how to look, without knowing why a woman ever needed to look that way...I doubt that any of these kids have any idea what sex actually entails)anyway: after winning this part of the competition, and being awarded a tall crown that was 3/4 of her own height, the reporter asked her if she felt overwhelmed with this obvious success....Kynnedy mouthed some mom-invented sentiments about loving being #1 and hoping to win the Big Crown too, and then looked up at the reporter and asked: "What does overwhelmed mean?"...the camera shifted to another scene.
Indeed. What does "overwhelmed" mean?
I always imagine a plot of land being drowned in waves of powerful water. Or a lost person being buried in storms of desert sands. Or a small person sitting at a desk surrounded by piles and piles of towering books that must be read.....distress and death. Overwhelmed means stress and death. And not by joy. To say "I am overwhelmed with happiness" seems ingenuious to me. Overwhelmed is not a good thing.
And, today, I am overwhelmed. Done in by the evil...the sad evil, resident in each of us. The hell realms that student must have been dwelling in that enabled him to open fire and execute his fellow students...did he think:" there is a teacher I know who is now barricading the door...here...let me shoot him through the door and kill him! I am now going to shoot holes in the people I have sat next to day after day...I am going to kill all I see...all I can possibly kill...".
I wonder if he felt good doing it...or if he felt anything at all? Why don't any of these human creatures who kill ever stay alive so we can find out what they were thinking? Why do they all top it all off with killing themselves? The streak of evil in me says: please stay alive so we can kill you! Let us off the hook of pain and allow us to assuage our pain by doing to you what you have done to all these senseless victims...please,,,let US pull the trigger on you...it will feel so good if we can do that! You see how it never ends? Killing is killing no matter what...and no matter that we think that what we are doing is "right"......this kid must have thought somewhere deep down inside himself that what he was doing has a rightness to it....in some universe somewhere: he must have felt right. With each pulling of the trigger the sense of doing right must have gotten stronger and stronger. Until killing himself seemed the rightest thing of all. This boy had to have felt right.
The way countries feel right when they go to war with other countries. Go to kill those people. Shoot holes through their doors, through their bodies. Evil has a way of making itself feel right. And this is what is overwhelming me today. I woder if that young VT killer has parents.
Indeed. What does "overwhelmed" mean?
I always imagine a plot of land being drowned in waves of powerful water. Or a lost person being buried in storms of desert sands. Or a small person sitting at a desk surrounded by piles and piles of towering books that must be read.....distress and death. Overwhelmed means stress and death. And not by joy. To say "I am overwhelmed with happiness" seems ingenuious to me. Overwhelmed is not a good thing.
And, today, I am overwhelmed. Done in by the evil...the sad evil, resident in each of us. The hell realms that student must have been dwelling in that enabled him to open fire and execute his fellow students...did he think:" there is a teacher I know who is now barricading the door...here...let me shoot him through the door and kill him! I am now going to shoot holes in the people I have sat next to day after day...I am going to kill all I see...all I can possibly kill...".
I wonder if he felt good doing it...or if he felt anything at all? Why don't any of these human creatures who kill ever stay alive so we can find out what they were thinking? Why do they all top it all off with killing themselves? The streak of evil in me says: please stay alive so we can kill you! Let us off the hook of pain and allow us to assuage our pain by doing to you what you have done to all these senseless victims...please,,,let US pull the trigger on you...it will feel so good if we can do that! You see how it never ends? Killing is killing no matter what...and no matter that we think that what we are doing is "right"......this kid must have thought somewhere deep down inside himself that what he was doing has a rightness to it....in some universe somewhere: he must have felt right. With each pulling of the trigger the sense of doing right must have gotten stronger and stronger. Until killing himself seemed the rightest thing of all. This boy had to have felt right.
The way countries feel right when they go to war with other countries. Go to kill those people. Shoot holes through their doors, through their bodies. Evil has a way of making itself feel right. And this is what is overwhelming me today. I woder if that young VT killer has parents.
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