Friday, February 09, 2007
Je Suis Content
CONTENTMENT - a state of happiness and satisfaction...from the early Middle English meaning: the payment of something owed....
Ever since i was a child, I had the eerie feeling that happiness was a matter of the balancing of some scale or other...that if I experienced a string of good things in my young life, it was my imaginary law of nature that a string of "bad" events would follow...i'm not sure where this notion sprang from in my youthful brain...but i seem to recall it was a result of empirical experience: I began to notice that I never stayed happy for long...that inevitably something would come along to shake that sunny state down into darkness....BUT , not too much later, I would be feeling happy again..the vision of the roller coaster of life was there, even in my childish brain......what a powerful thing for a youngster to understand! But I distinctly remember somehow "knowing" this law of , at least, my universe.
So it is with some trepidation that i hereby state : I am content! I am (as the above computer definition states) satisfied and happy in my life...and if the early Middle English root is to be considered: I guess i feel like something owing has been paid: my sweaty and dramatic efforts have yielded a basic acceptance ...an understanding of what may be owned as "justice" in the living of a human life. I say this with the fear born of experience: as soon as I say i am happy, something will come to knock me down....but at least I have the consolation of knowing that tomorrow will come, and i shall rise, like "Annie" to sing about it....so, bravely I state:
I am in the middle of a truly contented and creatively productive time of my decades of living, and i want to shout this recognition from hilltops, because it feels so good. And if life is about singing the music of the Universe (as I believe it is), then let me sing it....this string of uninterrupted cozy nights with a man I love...this daily progress of hours with young artists who challenge and fulfill me with our shared work....this daily recognition of life's warmth, amidst some deeply cold days... this time of looking at the horrifying world and being able to wonder at Man's magnificence even as he errs....how else can i describe it except to say: I have earned this time, and I am content. I am filled with an energy that makes me want to cook for others! It makes me want to read and read and read and actually take the time to finish books! It makes me want to love.....Oddly, it does not make me want to perform a play or musical, as much as it makes me want to help others perform theirs! Because I want to come home at night and find out what silly things have happened on our favorite TV shows! Serve Peter meals and find out what his day has been like and actually listen to what he has to say! NOT sign in at some midtown half-hour and regret the loss of time.....not to feel dispossessed and wandering like some gypsy, going out to work when everyone else is coming home....God forbid: I like this civilian life!
I NEVER imagined I would be capable of saying such a thing...I even had disdain for the "normal" ones who actually had to pay to see a show...there was a slight divide between me and what I always considered "audience"...me and "the public"...as silly as that may sound...it always kept me feeling separate...and i cannot remember a time when that was not so for me, even as a kid....whew! How lonely...I usd to hate being part of an audience because that meant it was not me who was up on that stage, holding the job, doing the role...it was someone else...and there I was, poor , forlorn me, having to be in "the house" watching....BUT THAT IS NOT SO ANY MORE...now, everything I see, I am grateful it is NOT me up there....and when I see something performed less well than its potential promised, I am deeply glad I don't have to contend with all the factors that went into making it less than it should have been...and when i see something that inspires and changes me in all good ways, I am thrilled to have been audience for it...grateful, in fact. Grateful. And ready to share it with my students.
Which brings me to one of the main reasons I feel such contentment: the amazing, energetic and gifted Steinhardt students i am working with right now. Yikes! I sat through one entire coaching session yesterday with an amazing young woman, and had waves and waves of goosebumps as she worked: I saw the unfolding of a human spirit ...her understanding and willingness to journey deeper into her technique , her knowing , her discoveries...well, it was so good. So useful to the world, no matter what she chooses to do with it....of course, she will choose the professional theatrical track for a while at least...and so she should...but there is a power, an empathy and heart in this artist, and the world can only be better for it. No matter what road she takes to share it. And there I am, daily in the presence of such stuff.
Hell, it's better than SHOPPING!!!
Speaking of which: I got the best new coat! Finally, a winter coat I can actually button all the way down! Snuggly and faux-furry and warm....YAY! Reversible brown leather...gorgeous....
We are throwing a dinner party tomorrow night: Paul, Steve, Janice G. and Sue D...Peter and me, and doggies three! (Foxy will accompany paul and Steve)....steaks, and pasta, and vegetarian chili....good hearty stuff! The Red Dining Room rocks and rolls again!
Ever since i was a child, I had the eerie feeling that happiness was a matter of the balancing of some scale or other...that if I experienced a string of good things in my young life, it was my imaginary law of nature that a string of "bad" events would follow...i'm not sure where this notion sprang from in my youthful brain...but i seem to recall it was a result of empirical experience: I began to notice that I never stayed happy for long...that inevitably something would come along to shake that sunny state down into darkness....BUT , not too much later, I would be feeling happy again..the vision of the roller coaster of life was there, even in my childish brain......what a powerful thing for a youngster to understand! But I distinctly remember somehow "knowing" this law of , at least, my universe.
So it is with some trepidation that i hereby state : I am content! I am (as the above computer definition states) satisfied and happy in my life...and if the early Middle English root is to be considered: I guess i feel like something owing has been paid: my sweaty and dramatic efforts have yielded a basic acceptance ...an understanding of what may be owned as "justice" in the living of a human life. I say this with the fear born of experience: as soon as I say i am happy, something will come to knock me down....but at least I have the consolation of knowing that tomorrow will come, and i shall rise, like "Annie" to sing about it....so, bravely I state:
I am in the middle of a truly contented and creatively productive time of my decades of living, and i want to shout this recognition from hilltops, because it feels so good. And if life is about singing the music of the Universe (as I believe it is), then let me sing it....this string of uninterrupted cozy nights with a man I love...this daily progress of hours with young artists who challenge and fulfill me with our shared work....this daily recognition of life's warmth, amidst some deeply cold days... this time of looking at the horrifying world and being able to wonder at Man's magnificence even as he errs....how else can i describe it except to say: I have earned this time, and I am content. I am filled with an energy that makes me want to cook for others! It makes me want to read and read and read and actually take the time to finish books! It makes me want to love.....Oddly, it does not make me want to perform a play or musical, as much as it makes me want to help others perform theirs! Because I want to come home at night and find out what silly things have happened on our favorite TV shows! Serve Peter meals and find out what his day has been like and actually listen to what he has to say! NOT sign in at some midtown half-hour and regret the loss of time.....not to feel dispossessed and wandering like some gypsy, going out to work when everyone else is coming home....God forbid: I like this civilian life!
I NEVER imagined I would be capable of saying such a thing...I even had disdain for the "normal" ones who actually had to pay to see a show...there was a slight divide between me and what I always considered "audience"...me and "the public"...as silly as that may sound...it always kept me feeling separate...and i cannot remember a time when that was not so for me, even as a kid....whew! How lonely...I usd to hate being part of an audience because that meant it was not me who was up on that stage, holding the job, doing the role...it was someone else...and there I was, poor , forlorn me, having to be in "the house" watching....BUT THAT IS NOT SO ANY MORE...now, everything I see, I am grateful it is NOT me up there....and when I see something performed less well than its potential promised, I am deeply glad I don't have to contend with all the factors that went into making it less than it should have been...and when i see something that inspires and changes me in all good ways, I am thrilled to have been audience for it...grateful, in fact. Grateful. And ready to share it with my students.
Which brings me to one of the main reasons I feel such contentment: the amazing, energetic and gifted Steinhardt students i am working with right now. Yikes! I sat through one entire coaching session yesterday with an amazing young woman, and had waves and waves of goosebumps as she worked: I saw the unfolding of a human spirit ...her understanding and willingness to journey deeper into her technique , her knowing , her discoveries...well, it was so good. So useful to the world, no matter what she chooses to do with it....of course, she will choose the professional theatrical track for a while at least...and so she should...but there is a power, an empathy and heart in this artist, and the world can only be better for it. No matter what road she takes to share it. And there I am, daily in the presence of such stuff.
Hell, it's better than SHOPPING!!!
Speaking of which: I got the best new coat! Finally, a winter coat I can actually button all the way down! Snuggly and faux-furry and warm....YAY! Reversible brown leather...gorgeous....
We are throwing a dinner party tomorrow night: Paul, Steve, Janice G. and Sue D...Peter and me, and doggies three! (Foxy will accompany paul and Steve)....steaks, and pasta, and vegetarian chili....good hearty stuff! The Red Dining Room rocks and rolls again!
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