Chance = Change

...by the Irish playwright Martin McDonough...Peter and I saw it tonight...with our dear pal Kevin Kilner, who is in town and staying with us for several days...he surprised us with a request for a place to stay last night when we got back home form the country, and he was at our place by 10 pm last night...we immediately went out to the Metro Diner, an old haunt, and sat for a while eating and talking. It is very very good both to see and be with him. His sheer presence is good for Peter, not only because a nice friendship is developing there, but also because Kevin is fine, strong male actor, whose career has been one created whole cloth out of his talent and determination, and thus is rather an inspiration for Peter...also, when the two of them are together, there is so much testosterone in the room, I get faint with pleasure! Such handsome and gifted men. Whew! Kev's dear and gifted wife Jordan Baker is back home in LA onstage in a new Joe Pintauro play and so Kevin is solo for this visit...he seems comfortable in our Blue Blond Guest Room....our puppies love him. It has been far too long since I was able to spend such quality time with this dear old friend. We had coffe and tea in the Roof Garden this morning. So nice.

And tonight we saw PILLOW MAN, starring Jeff Goldblum, Billy Crudupp, Michael Stuhlberg, etc. and it was powerful, iterary and deeply theatrical. I am not sure i loved it, for a variety of reasons, but it was important to see it, if only for the sheer acting skills on display, and the various ideas about story and the importance of it for people ...provocative. And again, powerfully acted. Enormous vocal demands on the actors, so that their techniques had better be in shape if they plan to do 8 performances a week, as I am sure each and every one of them do. Huge yelling and fighting and lots of loud and angry talking, for lengthy periods of time. I was conscious of this burden for them, though they sounded great. I sort of wish I had seen the National Theatre actors do it...perhaps more of the poetry of the characters would have impressed me if they were done in the original Irish or British world...Jeff Goldblum is charming as hell, but perhaps too American...and I wish his sidekick "Ariel" (played by Zelko Ivanek) had been more of a brutish bulldog of a man, a dense Brit...nonetheless, all that being said, it was powerful and skillful. A real Broadway evening of serious theater. Stuhlburg and Crudupp are nominated for Tony's for their work in this.

While Kevin went backstage to see colleagues with whom he has worked, Peter and i stayed out in Shubert Alley and watched the people watch the stars go by. Since PILLOW MAN is next door to SPAMELOT, the Alley is a genuinely star-studded one this Summer. Very festive. Such a NYC Summer thing to do, stroll the Alley.

I had such a silly and weak audition today that it stuns me to remember that despite all the experience and "mileage" one accrues, it is always a toss-up as to how it all goes, and finally, what is meant to be in the way of results. Some of my worst auditions (self-judged) have yielded me the best jobs, and some of my most stellar try-outs have yielded me nothing! It is a puzzlement! Always has been and always will be....And you would think that by now i have given up the notion of judging myself or feeling the victim of any of this silly audition stuff. Alas, not so.And this is not even for a show or role I care in any way about! Such insanity. Such silliness. And that's my life....(I am full of song quotes this evening)...

Paul is in Chicago, visiting his Mom...Peter's family will soon be here, next week. And the Summer has begun. We spent the Memorial Day Weekend Upstate, and it was terrific. Lots of sunshine and good food, talk of Buddhism, and hours of reading out on the back deck. A family time. Free of any thoughts about theater or my place in it. I wonder: am I supposed to stop being in theater now? I keep getting such signals that maybe I should stop now. But then again, I have always gotten those signals and have kept on going nonetheless.....in the Business that has always been the center of my life. Maybe it is not supposed to be the center anymore. But what is?
Nam Myho Renge Kyo. That's what.

I feel my identity undergoing a deep-sea change. So much to write about.