Chance = Change

Cold as bloody hell today...sunny, but visciously cold...a productive day...booked a 24-foot truck for our move home...Budget Rentals....went by Kiser Furniture to make sure our gorgeous new stuff was not destroyed in the warehouse fire they had last night...our leather sofa, chair and ottoman, dining table and chairs were nowhere near that particular warehouse, so were spared the fate of so many people's Christmas furniture gifts...millions of dollars worth of furniture burned to ashes...a lot of people will be minus one large gift under their tree...sad. The Kiser folks are so nice, I hope the customers will not be too upset and mean to them today. Talk about a stroke of good fortune for us, though...The gods must want us to have a successful journey home. I also had a 1:00 Staff Meeting, my last, maybe ever, here...I feel increasingly like a fifth wheel, as projects and casting and various things I am usually a part of pass me by..today I left the meeting feeling like no one there cared what i did with my life...that i have already disappeared from their radar...I mean, people are perfectly lovely to me...but finally, i am left with the feeling that since I am leaving, no one particularly likes me! I realize how silly that sounds...but...well..I mean, we are leaving...we are choosing to do so...and I know I feel, among other things, guilty about the decision because I have been given many wonderful opportunities here for creative expression and growth, and to leave seems so disrespectful and ungrateful. I know...I know...this is all a figment of my mind...suffice it to say: I left the Barter Offices today feeling pretty rotten. Ah well....2005 is an enormous and challenging year for all here: rather a make or break sort of thing..and here I am leaving....all departments face large mountains, but the spirit and know-how of all these people is tremendous and though it may feel dark at times, I know they can pull it off...I just know they can! As one of our actors is fond of saying: GO TEAM!! Naturally, a part of me is thrilled to be leaving for new adventures...especially England and Scotland...and going back to our terrific place on West End Avenue...why, then do i feel so BAD??? Silly stuff takes over my mind: Why have certain friendships grown old and stale here? Just how capable is this group of actors that I have come to know and love so dearly? We all work so very hard here, it is possible to lose perspective I know, so I have lost the ability to know what our particular talents are, since my judgement has become clouded by familiarity...so getting away will be good for that too. But, all these things trouble me, and then I feel guilty for even thinking them! So, a cold day today...and a troubling one in my mind.